How befitting.

Dear Stephanie,
What happens if you feel like you let Mr. Right slip through your fingers?
Circumstances aside & you were really compatible, I mean there was something really there..
How do you get him back? Is there a way to get him back?
Or if it's over should you let sleeping dogs lie..
Sincerely,
Miss. Wrong

Dear Miss Wrong,
First off, you're not Miss Wrong. I realize times like these are prime for the "I completely suck" parties. You'll be best off if you realize quickly that these do no one any good. All the questions in your head (maybe if I hadn't done this, or said that, or been this way...) are ultimately useless. You can't change the way things went down.

You can however, learn from it. If he really was someone special and his opinion was something you valued on lots of other topics, keep that in mind. Try not to dismiss it just because it's something you really don't want to hear. Of course, I could be burned at the stake for heresy for saying so, but not everything guys come up with is pulled directly from their asses.

I hope no ones head has exploded.

Your energy would be best spent assessing why it failed. This could yield one of two results:
Things ended because of some *thing* that you did wrong. This could include, but is not limited to, cheating, lying, setting up a meth lab in his bathroom, whatever. In the event that this is the case, apologizing, groveling, and gift giving could work. Remember that the gift should be equal to or of greater value than the offense. So, if you put regular milk on his cereal instead of soy and he had a severe allergic reaction, buy him a soy milk cow and pay his emergency room bills. BUT. If you cheated on him with his mom... Well, you better have a yacht and a Penthouse pet stashed in your rainy day jar...and even then, God hep you.

However, if, as is the case most of the time, there were just some issues you had that somehow inhibited a healthy progression of the relationship, your time is better spent focusing on these things. Alone.
I would, for the time being, let it go. Focus on learning what you can from this relationship for yourself, and not just in the hopes that he will come back when you've "fixed the problem". If the connection was there then maybe it can work again one day, but right now something just isn't working for him. Respect that.
And you never know...maybe the space and time will help you see whether he was really the right one for you.

Also, you can't really put circumstances aside. Relationships don't exist in vacuums. It's the bumps and the issues and the problems that reveal our selves and either bring us together or pull us apart. You can't say, "Well if I didn't have such and such hang-up..." or "If he didn't work so much..." Those things are as much a part of the relationship as anything else. When all is said and done, the million of reasons aren't really the point. It's whether you two value the realtionship enough to get past those hurdles.

It always comes down to the good vs. the bad, the investment vs. return. There has to be a balance.

Keep in mind that you deserve someone that, in spite of all the problems that can happen, is still there because it's worth it.

xoStephanie

Far from junk mail.

Stephanie,
I have a friend who is a good friend and also happens to be a coworker and possibly my boss. I hate her boyfriend. I HATE him. We all hate him, and no one feels like it's their place to tell her that he treats her like she is inferior and he acts like an arrogant yet insecure 14 year old and offends everyone daily. He is horrible and no one can figure out what she sees in him. She is very wonderful. WTF, what do I do? When is it time to step in??
Sincerely,
Concerned Co-worker

Dear Concerned,

Boy, do I know where you're coming from. These are tough situations. You're boss is someone you look up to. Seeing, or furthermore, pointing out "weaknesses" is not an easy thing to do.

However, it isn't impossible.
You say she is a friend. Friends talk, or at least that's what I hear. If you should find yourself in a conversation with her and she even ever so slightly alludes to troubles on the home front, jump on it.
Well, don't jump on it, but make it obvious that you would love to be confided in.

Boss/Friend: Le sigh...Mr. X is such a jerk.
You: Really? Why do you say so? (Or something to that effect.)

Basically, let her come to you. Even if she weren’t your boss I would say so. Unsolicited opinions often times feel more like judgments rather than genuine concern.

If she absolutely refuses to vent around you or any of your co-workers and you just can not stand idly by any longer, then you can try putting yourself out there, but be cautious. You never know what you're stepping into.
When you know something's happened, ask her if she'd like to go to lunch. Don't go directly to Mr. X right away, but do get there. Ask her how everything is and just narrow it down until you get to le jerk.
If she skirts you again by saying things are fine with them, you can do one of two things. Either call bullshit and tell her what you think forthright.
Or take the hint. If she really wanted your opinion she would ask for it.

All in all she's probably very embarrassed, sensitive about, and bewildered by the situation. However it's approached, keep that in mind as well as the fact that although you have a different (and 9 times out of 10 better) perspective of what's happening, that doesn't necessarily mean you have all the answers.

Another question! I'm getting so popular!!


FROM THE DESK OF Mr.**********
BILL AND EXCHANGE
FOREIGN REMITTANCE DEPT.
BANK OF AFRICA ( BOA)
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO

Dear Friend,

Compliments,

I am Mr. **********
The manager of bill and exchange at the foreign remittance department of BANK OF AFRICA. I am writting to seek your coperation over this business deal. In my department, I discovered an abandoned sum ofU.S$12.6 million dollars(Twelve Millon six Hundred Thousand US Dollars)only , in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in a plane crash,the Late Mr. ********* ,a citizen of Taiwan but naturalised in Burkinafaso,WestAfrica and He was the Governor of Taiwan Central(Reserve)

Since we got information about his death, we have been expecting his next of kin to come over and claim his money because it cannot be released unless somebody applies for it as next of kin or relation to the deceased as indicated in our banking guidelines but unfortunately , all his supposed next of kin or relation died alongside with him at the plane crash leaving nobody behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you via your foreign bank account as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and this money could go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed Bill.

The Banking law and guideline here stipulates that if such money remained unclamed after four years, the money will betransfered into the Bank treasury as unclaimed fund.The request for your assistance and maximum co-operation as a foreign citizen to stand as the next of kin in this business is occasioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to a foreigner. 30 % of this money will be for you as my foreign partner, inrespect to the provision of a foreign account. 10 %will be set aside for expences incured during the business and 60 % would be for me.There after I will come over to your country for
disbursement accoding to the percentages indicated.

Therefore to enable the immediate trnansfer of this fund to you as arranged,you must apply first to the bank as the relation or next of kin to the deceased,indicating your claims and wherein the money will be remitted . Upon receipt of your reply, I will send to you by fax or email the text of application which you will fill and submit to the office of the foreign remittance director of the bank of africa. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is stricly confidential and i will use my position in this Bank to effect a hitch free transfer of the fund. You should contact me immediately as soon as you receive this letter.
Trusting to hear from you immediately.
Please , visit the website below for more informations about the Plane Crash and the tragic death of the deceased and his entire family, Late Mr. *********
.

website:/www.cnn.com/WORLD/9802/16/taiwan.crash.update2

Your’s faithfully,
Mr. ***********


Dear Mr. Bank of Africa Manager,

I'm so touched that you would reach out to me with such an immense problem. No doubt you are in need of my assistance. How sad that such an important client AND his entire family would die in that horrible way, but also how unfortunate that you would be left to tie up such large loose ends. I offer my deepest apologies.

As for the business proposal, although I am flatterd that you would trust me so much even without any experience in anything remotely like this (or even without knowing me at all) AND think so very much of my blooming career as a advice columnist that you would want to fund it so generously, I really must decline. It's not that I don't have the utmost confidence that you have only the best intentions and this would be mutually beneficial, it's just that I am sure there are much better causes this money could go to.

However, my decision still leaves the pickle of what to do with all this money. It really is quite a lot. So, please, let me offer some alternatives. There are some wonderful charities out there, especially in Africa. That's like two birds!! You're doing something great for the world and you don't even have to go bothering yourself about all the international money laundering nonsense.
Some charities that are close to my heart are Art For Animals (http://www.artfortheanimals.org/), Women In Progress (http://www.womeninprogress.org/), and AIDS Children In Africa (http://aids-children.org/). There are literally hundreds more, but I hope these will help you get the ball rolling!!!

I must also offer another teensy piece of advice. SPELLCHECK!!!! I don't mean to be persnickety, but I can't stress how important this is! Especially with the severity of the matters which you're proposing. It sounds like you are dealing with big-wig business deals left and right. A great way to really put someone off is to not take the time to deliver a carefully written, incisive letter. Either way, it speaks volumes about your regard for the recipient.

So, my dear friend, I hope that I have helped you come to a decision. Thank you again for your query. Whatever you decide to do please keep me updated as to what happens next!!

Sincerely,
Stephanie


I must shout out Ms. Erin Bradley for inspiring me to take these guys just as seriously as any other person out there. Junk mails are people too.

My first real question. God bless you.

Dear Stephanie,
How much information is too much information? In what circumstances should someone stick a cork in it? is it truly that horrible to be honest? Why are men specifically "grossed out" and put off by honesty? What is "playing hard to get" all about? Really...
Sincerely,
Just trying to keep it real

Dear Just trying to keep it real,
I'm going to act on a hunch here. My guess is that you've been told you aren't a catch at some point. I'm going to say that you may have been rejected recently after a big investment and are feeling like no one will ever love you again once they get to know "the real you". NOT TRUE.
I know that when I rush into spilling my guts I'm just feeling so nervous and vulnerable I cant help but thinking "Yeah this is all fun now, but let's just get on with the inevitable."

I do not reccomend this. It has yet to work.

We all have traits that are less than appealing and as you get older and are in relationship after relationship, you can go one of two ways: you can start to think of these habits as permanent parts of who you are, or you can realize that you can choose learn from break-ups and adjust what you truly think ought to be.

Aside from everything, this is a NEW relationship. A blank slate. Game over, start again.
How much information is too much information? That's up to you. For me, I try not to offer up something unless it's clear that someone is ready to hear it. That's not to say they get to set the speed at which you dive but it is to say you need to recognize and respect where the other person in the relationship (any relationship) is at. If, three months into dating him, he's yet to tell you anything more personal than his last name, he's probably not ever going to open up and you should just walk away. You don't need everyone to know you're deepest secrets. However, if we're talking a couple weeks and he reacted poorly to hearing the whole of your psychiatric history, let's not label him a block of ice just yet.

Let me let you in on a secret that I've learned: When you talk about any problem at all, 9 times out of 10 all a guy hears is "fix it".

Perhaps that will help you to know when to stick a cork in it.
Also, as awful as it sounds dating, early on, is like a job interview: you want to put your best foot forward because you want the position. Would you say to a boss right off the bat that you aren't good at x, y, z in the hopes that it will save surprises down the road? No. You would realize that in the past you didn't succeed at x. y. z but that was then and this is a new job and you've learned from then. So when your weak points come to the surface at this new job you'll most likely know what to do. And your boss will be none the wiser...So keep the lip zipped about your past failures. And who knows, maybe you will face them but surprise yourself as you rise to the challange graciously, rather than falling on your stupid face.

Keep in mind that you aren't new at this. You have experience. You aren't apt to make the same mistakes. So don't go holding on to them and announcing them to everyone that comes along. Let them decide what they think of you from their experiences with you.

As for being honest, it is the best policy. THE BEST. But just because you keep something to yourself, you aren't neccesarily being dishonest. Like I said, you might go blabbing about something that just isn't true of you anymore. I know I'm a completely different person if I just change my shoes.
If you're asked specifically about your past, then answer the questions. If he chooses to judge you for it, remind him that he asked and also what's done is done and that it (probably) didn't have anything to do with him. But, honestly...honestly...a confidant man doesn't care about your past. They just don't.

This is separate from "playing hard to get". That's just a game of cat and mouse that makes things spicey, if you like that sort of thing..

So, keep it real. But most importantly, keep it here and now...not then.

WOW! WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES!

My advice for today is to get a dog...or any pet really.
Honestly, my dog, even though she has deprived me of sleep, bitten me, nearly bankrupt me, and generally been a pain in my ass sometimes, has never (NOT ONCE) ignored a phone call from me.
I pour my soul into caring for her, loving her, making sure she's comfortable and she just gives back. She knows what I give to her and she appreciates it. No bullshit about maybe I'm not the one she's always envisioned rubbing her belly. No. I rub it and I rub it right and that's all she wrote.
I've never come home to a lukewarm reception. Even if I've just gone across the street, when I walk through that door it's Christmas in her eyes.

It's the perfect relationship and it's made me realize one thing: I am NOT mad at crazy old cat ladies.

How could I be? I feel them. A pet is the best friend you could have. There is no confusion. There is always reciprocity. ALWAYS. If you do your part, they do theirs. There's no "You aren't The One."

Granted, anyone with a some bacon could also be The One, but there's no "You aren't The One." or "I've changed my mind." or "I've had a bad day and I'm going to dump it on you." or just simply, "I'm an asshole." ...ok, sometimes she does say that.

I hope I'm not being too transparent.

No? Phew.

So, get a dog. If you have any doubt as to how anyone you invite into the temple that is your heart should act, just take a cue from our small friends and take no shit. Just start biting. And then pee on the rug.

Although there has been no barrage of questions, I figure I shouldn't let that slow the roll that is blogging.

Even if there isn't a specific question that I'm answering, I'll offer up what's been swimming in my head.

I recently bought the complete series of The Wonder Years on DVD (I know) and I've been watching young Kevin go through some pretty tough stuff. He actually brings up some interesting points that I know I went through. I mean, my voice never dropped or anything like that, but there are some universal points there.
In particular dear Kevin said last night "Eighty-four was about as incomprehensible to me as say, twenty-four and one hundred and four. I mean, what does that mean?". This was in response to an aunt who died at 84 and his trying to understand what living that long meant.
I think about this all the time. When I was little I had this idea of "adult". I guess my vision was around mid-twenties or so...basically me now, but now that I'm here, not me at all. I didn't really know what that age was about, but it was there and there I was. I was always on the phone, my hair was in a bun, and I always had a pencil skirt and shoulder pads on. I was an adult.
His line rang so clear and right to the core. It made me realize that my visions are still pretty vague. I look at 34 and I see myself on the phone, sans bun, pencil skirt, and shoulder pads, with the addition of a baby on my hip. Incidentally, that's what 44 looks like too.
My point being, when can we really bring the future into focus? Does everyone think of this? Am I alone here? I assume that the more I live, the more it will take the shape I would like it to and the less my predictions will be off (shoulder pads?! did I really think that was a lasting trend?).
I guess it just shows me that 24 years isn't enough time to set it all up and put on the cruise control. Did I ever really believe that it would be though?

Oh and...as per usual, I've thought of everything.

To ensure your privacy, please write to weareverywellthankyou@yahoo.com


I'm so excited.

My first OFFICIAL blog. Myspace doesn't count. Not anymore at least. On to bigger and better things. No more surveys interspersed with the occasional story of my weekends...well. At least not here. And so then I guess I can't very well say "no more.." about something that never was.

I've gone crossed eyed..in under ten sentences, no less. That's talent.

At any rate, we've got a purpose here. This will (hopefully eventually) become a space for others. Anyone who knows me knows I talk too much about myself. Imagine Tyra, Oprah, and the seagulls from Finding Nemo all rolled into one giant fruit roll-up of me me me me me..

But all (good?) things must end. Or at least be balanced out. I still want to talk about what I think, but if all goes well, it will be what I think about you. And if all goes miraculously, what I think will make sense.

So, please feel free to write to me. Ask me questions. Tell me stories. Or just spill your guts when you don't think anyone else will know what to say.

Just please don't call me Carrie...