Far from junk mail.
Stephanie,
I have a friend who is a good friend and also happens to be a coworker and possibly my boss. I hate her boyfriend. I HATE him. We all hate him, and no one feels like it's their place to tell her that he treats her like she is inferior and he acts like an arrogant yet insecure 14 year old and offends everyone daily. He is horrible and no one can figure out what she sees in him. She is very wonderful. WTF, what do I do? When is it time to step in??
Sincerely,
Concerned Co-worker
Dear Concerned,
Boy, do I know where you're coming from. These are tough situations. You're boss is someone you look up to. Seeing, or furthermore, pointing out "weaknesses" is not an easy thing to do.
However, it isn't impossible.
You say she is a friend. Friends talk, or at least that's what I hear. If you should find yourself in a conversation with her and she even ever so slightly alludes to troubles on the home front, jump on it.
Well, don't jump on it, but make it obvious that you would love to be confided in.
Boss/Friend: Le sigh...Mr. X is such a jerk.
You: Really? Why do you say so? (Or something to that effect.)
Basically, let her come to you. Even if she weren’t your boss I would say so. Unsolicited opinions often times feel more like judgments rather than genuine concern.
If she absolutely refuses to vent around you or any of your co-workers and you just can not stand idly by any longer, then you can try putting yourself out there, but be cautious. You never know what you're stepping into.
When you know something's happened, ask her if she'd like to go to lunch. Don't go directly to Mr. X right away, but do get there. Ask her how everything is and just narrow it down until you get to le jerk.
If she skirts you again by saying things are fine with them, you can do one of two things. Either call bullshit and tell her what you think forthright.
Or take the hint. If she really wanted your opinion she would ask for it.
All in all she's probably very embarrassed, sensitive about, and bewildered by the situation. However it's approached, keep that in mind as well as the fact that although you have a different (and 9 times out of 10 better) perspective of what's happening, that doesn't necessarily mean you have all the answers.
Stephanie,
I have a friend who is a good friend and also happens to be a coworker and possibly my boss. I hate her boyfriend. I HATE him. We all hate him, and no one feels like it's their place to tell her that he treats her like she is inferior and he acts like an arrogant yet insecure 14 year old and offends everyone daily. He is horrible and no one can figure out what she sees in him. She is very wonderful. WTF, what do I do? When is it time to step in??
Sincerely,
Concerned Co-worker
Dear Concerned,
Boy, do I know where you're coming from. These are tough situations. You're boss is someone you look up to. Seeing, or furthermore, pointing out "weaknesses" is not an easy thing to do.
However, it isn't impossible.
You say she is a friend. Friends talk, or at least that's what I hear. If you should find yourself in a conversation with her and she even ever so slightly alludes to troubles on the home front, jump on it.
Well, don't jump on it, but make it obvious that you would love to be confided in.
Boss/Friend: Le sigh...Mr. X is such a jerk.
You: Really? Why do you say so? (Or something to that effect.)
Basically, let her come to you. Even if she weren’t your boss I would say so. Unsolicited opinions often times feel more like judgments rather than genuine concern.
If she absolutely refuses to vent around you or any of your co-workers and you just can not stand idly by any longer, then you can try putting yourself out there, but be cautious. You never know what you're stepping into.
When you know something's happened, ask her if she'd like to go to lunch. Don't go directly to Mr. X right away, but do get there. Ask her how everything is and just narrow it down until you get to le jerk.
If she skirts you again by saying things are fine with them, you can do one of two things. Either call bullshit and tell her what you think forthright.
Or take the hint. If she really wanted your opinion she would ask for it.
All in all she's probably very embarrassed, sensitive about, and bewildered by the situation. However it's approached, keep that in mind as well as the fact that although you have a different (and 9 times out of 10 better) perspective of what's happening, that doesn't necessarily mean you have all the answers.
posted by hi at 6:04 PM
4 Comments:
F-that noise.
A really real (and I mean like totally I.R.L. B.F.F.) friend would tell them straight up. I do firmly believe, or mayhap hope, a 'good friend' would be able to deduce judgment from genuine concern, given their diametric opposition and all.
What is more with a really real 'good friend' one can pretty much always be sure what it is one is stepping into, anyone that tells you different is most undoubtedly not worth her weigh in blog...is most likely from the 28th state...and swears she has a distaste for visiting there longer than a week.
I have gone to my boss and told him that I did not think he should marry his fiancé...twice! He simply did not get it the first time...and yes he broke up with her...and yes she is on crack now...really it may be coke or whatever the kids in the East with their straight billed hats and tumblers of cognac are into these days.
Point being girls really need to pull it together or they may be passed up as penultimate in the battle of the Sexxy.
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Well comment-leaver....
my two cents are as follows....
I have dropped girlfriends for shit talking and sticking their nose in my business when they offered "advice". When its about a girl and a man she loves, you better be quiet bc shes in the zone. Not only that, from the other side of the street, I have given "advice" later realizing it doesnt do a thing. People will always realize when they are makinig bad desicions, and they will change when they are ready. Think Lao Tzu... a good swimmer knows not to fight the water... let go because you control no one and nothing. So IMO, hush up, and hug your girl later when she has seen the light.
Fin.
I feel that. I feel what you're saying. Of course sane people can tell the difference between a judgement and concern, but letting them come to you, or at least being as subtle as possible about leading them into pouring out their hearts, will at the very least keep them from feeling like they're on the defensive..like the conversation is on their terms.
Aside from it all, I would never advise that you let a friend continue doing something that you know is hurting her, but just be sensitive to the way you approach it. Unless she's an idiot, she's quite aware of the mess she's in. You're role isn't to illuminate her situation. Ultimately it's about the fact that the situation has maybe reached critical mass and she needs to just walk away.
xoS
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