It's been a minute.


And I feel that it may be many more minutes due to holiday madness. Whew! Is anyone else feeling the pressure!!??! It's been a stressful, busy one. But I really am not minding it. It's part of the season. Things are supposed to be difficult this time of year.

You may be asking, "Stephanie, how are you handling the holidays with such grace?!?!"

(I highly doubt that you were actually asking that.)

Well, I saw a man on the subway the other day when I was pretty close to throwing my purchases on the tracks and offering up a big HIT THE ROAD to the holiday season. But, this man made me realize, in a really roundabout way, that the only way certain things can be interesting or even worthwhile, is if they're difficult.

Now, you're probably expecting some sort of story of an amputee hobo with a heart of gold. No. All this guy did was tie his shoes..but he did so in the most ass-backwards, complicated way possible that left me completely agog.

So he gets on the train, which is empty and so, consequently, has many seats to offer. However, instead of sitting down, he decides to lean against the door. Odd. But still perfectly acceptable.
As the train pulls away (we're on the 6 by the way, leaving from Astor place, so there's plenty of turns and jerks), he pulls his leg up behind him, as one would do in gym class to stretch.
So he gets his foot as high up on his butt as possible. Which was quite impressive because, mind you, this was not a scrawny guy. Dude is large and in charge. I'm still a little boggled as to how he got his foot so high.

Anyways. So, in this position, with the car rocking like crazy and with eyes ceremoniously closed, he proceeded to tie his shoe. Of course.

At this moment I actually removed my earphones, as if doing so would help me understand the situation.

It sort of did. Although weird as all hell, it was strangely meditative. Here I was freaking out about all the shopping and the parties and the time and money constraints that have been rained down upon me (woe is me), and here comes this guy who has nothing better to do than make simple things difficult for him. He could've just as easily sat down and tied his shoe, but that would be boring! Why not make it interesting.

Now, the correlation that I've formed between my holiday stress and this man's freestyle shoe tying is tenuous at best. But regardless of whether it makes sense, it made me realize that this is sort of what the holidays are now. I'm not a 5-year-old waiting around for my play station. I'm a big girl now, and if I can't find the fun or at least the novelty in my newfound adult holiday role, what good is the season at all? I'm not going to seek out the easy way anymore. That's just setting myself up for disappointment. If I just go after the hard way, then there's not one thing that can blindside me.

MAN. I can not believe I haven't figured this out before.

So, if you need me don't look on Easy St.

xoS

P.S. Have the happiest and most blessed holidays. Tell everyone you love that you do. 'Tis the season.

Dear Steph,

I just started seeing a new guy. Everything is great. Lots of
chemistry and passion...except one thing:
The first time we had sex, he couldn't stay hard, then the second time
We tried it happened again. He's blamed it on a lot of things...being
drunk, being tired, the condom...not being comfortable...everything!
Now, I'm not a patient person, but I've been pretty understanding and
tried to make him feel good etc., but I just don't what to do.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, and I would just dump him, but
we both really like each other. A lot.
Will it get better? Advice please.

-Bonerless in Brooklyn


Dear Bonerless,

Oh I HATE this problem. The only thing comparable is when you finally get down to it and it's over in three point five seconds. ARG (insert fist shaking at sky here).

But anyways, one thing to keep in mind is that when a guy actually likes you he basically sees you as someone he has to wow, in every sense. So if this guy likes you, sleeping with you will mean more to him than just getting his. He wants to impress you. He wants to make the earth move for you. He wants to blow you away you with his man moves.

Uh..right..no pressure..

So, when a problem such as this arises (or doesn't, as it were) it just means that he's clearly doesn’t think he can deliver yet. A guy's mind and body tend to have a primal link. I.e.: when things are less than copacetic in the confidence department, it can manifest itself in this odd defense mechanism, preventing him from give a poor performance by keeping him performing at all.

This reminds me of the first time I slept with one of my exes. It was, to put it nicely, painfully awkward and, well, pretty much devoid of actual sex. I was terrified that I'd found the best guy on the planet, with one GLARING deficiency. I mean, how could we be compatible on all levels, and this be so out of sync!?!?! I truly expected that the consummation of our luuuuuuv would cause the planets to align and world peace would be upon us. How very wrong I was.

But, take heart; this story has a happy ending. Although I wasn't acting consciously (it was more that I was just afraid to go there again), I backed off from "the sex". We continued to hang out and, of course, make out excessively. A couple weeks passed and we got there again. This time it just seemed natural and it was much, MUCH better. From there on out, it only got better.

And she lived happily ever after...

Think of it like this: If the roles were reversed, it would be absolutely required that he be understanding and patient. Show him the same courtesy. It won't always be like this. It's just too soon. Let him let you know when he's ready. Actually, I think it'll be pretty obvious.

I think this is most likely the bulk of the issue, but of course there could be some real physical factors, such as being drunk or condoms. So of course, the next time you go at it, be sober. It'll be more enjoyable and memorable.

And although I don't advocate unsafe sex, if you're planning on having a monogamous relationship, you both could get tested. If you aren't, you could go on birth control, and just let him hit it raw. Nothing says ‘youz my manz’ quite like that.

Just be aware the older a guy gets, the more refined he'll be. He isn't a 17-year-old jackrabbit anymore that can be ready at the drop of some pants.

xoxoS

Dear Stephanie,

What's up with dudes? why are they always trying to purposely piss me
off?
last night i had one say to me "its entertaining, i just really want to
push your buttons"
now, i know that if i give a great reaction, it will warrant more
"button pushing," but honestly, i don't feel my reaction to his
incessant teasing was so off-par with a normal reaction that blame
should rest in my corner.
this dude was one of those "give 'em a hard time and they'll like you
more" dudes. and why does this work? i wasn't falling all over him, but
the rest of the party was. i mean, at one point, he was sitting on a
couch with two girls on either side of him, AND a girl on his lap. W T
F. seriously! he wasn't the best dude. i am the best girl. i don't get
it.

i mean, what does a girl have to do to get a bone around here?
(literally!)
i just feel like, why can dudes play the ultimate asshole card and
still have girls lining up to suck their dicks?
gah!

another example. last week i had a guy (a guy i've known for probably a
year and only really see out. one of those "i know we'll hook-up one
day" sort-of-types. you know?
anyways, we've been getting close to that point lately. but we're
sitting down at a bar, having a conversation, and i'm like "but why did
you send me that email that just basically insulted me" and he's all
"because i have to be an asshole. if i'm nice to you, you won't want to
talk to me anymore."
i'm sorry, what??! is this really true? why why why? if i am a mega
bitch people just run away. was the world really made for men? and why
can't i seem to figure out how to play the system?
i need help!

thanks in advance,
Too Many Buttons (?)


Dear Buttons McGee,

Step One:
Stop caring.
Step Two:
Aim higher

If only it were that easy, right?

So, you feel like you're spinning your wheels? Not getting anywhere?? Never making any headway???
Well...you aren't. So, why still dedicate your time?
I don't doubt that your reaction wasn't far off from how any other girl would react..but maybe other girls are wasting their time as well.

Something about the situation isn't working out for you. And I really don't think the whole problem is "what's up with dudes?". It's more "what's up with those dudes and what's so special about them and why do you even care????".

If you'd really like to fix the problem, I'd stop aiming low.

Granted, you're attracted to who you're attracted to and sometimes a certain type comes along with certain faults...I personally go for the ridiculously beautiful, outrageously wealthy, international party hopping set. However, these tend to come along with a rather exhausting schedule.
Le sigh..
BUT, since I've chosen to go after this particular coterie, I suck it up and just catch up on my zzzzz on the concord.

So, correspondingly, if you want to go for the jerky boys, acknowledge that you are going for the jerky boys and don't expect them to be knights in shining armor.

You can't make a pile of shit sparkle like a diamond, as they say.

So, stop exhausting yourself with these guys that insist on tormenting you or stop exhausting yourself with trying to recondition them. They are who they are.

Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

Make of that what you will.