Dear Steph,
I just started seeing a new guy. Everything is great. Lots of
chemistry and passion...except one thing:
The first time we had sex, he couldn't stay hard, then the second time
We tried it happened again. He's blamed it on a lot of things...being
drunk, being tired, the condom...not being comfortable...everything!
Now, I'm not a patient person, but I've been pretty understanding and
tried to make him feel good etc., but I just don't what to do.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, and I would just dump him, but
we both really like each other. A lot.
Will it get better? Advice please.
-Bonerless in Brooklyn
Dear Bonerless,
Oh I HATE this problem. The only thing comparable is when you finally get down to it and it's over in three point five seconds. ARG (insert fist shaking at sky here).
But anyways, one thing to keep in mind is that when a guy actually likes you he basically sees you as someone he has to wow, in every sense. So if this guy likes you, sleeping with you will mean more to him than just getting his. He wants to impress you. He wants to make the earth move for you. He wants to blow you away you with his man moves.
Uh..right..no pressure..
So, when a problem such as this arises (or doesn't, as it were) it just means that he's clearly doesn’t think he can deliver yet. A guy's mind and body tend to have a primal link. I.e.: when things are less than copacetic in the confidence department, it can manifest itself in this odd defense mechanism, preventing him from give a poor performance by keeping him performing at all.
This reminds me of the first time I slept with one of my exes. It was, to put it nicely, painfully awkward and, well, pretty much devoid of actual sex. I was terrified that I'd found the best guy on the planet, with one GLARING deficiency. I mean, how could we be compatible on all levels, and this be so out of sync!?!?! I truly expected that the consummation of our luuuuuuv would cause the planets to align and world peace would be upon us. How very wrong I was.
But, take heart; this story has a happy ending. Although I wasn't acting consciously (it was more that I was just afraid to go there again), I backed off from "the sex". We continued to hang out and, of course, make out excessively. A couple weeks passed and we got there again. This time it just seemed natural and it was much, MUCH better. From there on out, it only got better.
And she lived happily ever after...
Think of it like this: If the roles were reversed, it would be absolutely required that he be understanding and patient. Show him the same courtesy. It won't always be like this. It's just too soon. Let him let you know when he's ready. Actually, I think it'll be pretty obvious.
I think this is most likely the bulk of the issue, but of course there could be some real physical factors, such as being drunk or condoms. So of course, the next time you go at it, be sober. It'll be more enjoyable and memorable.
And although I don't advocate unsafe sex, if you're planning on having a monogamous relationship, you both could get tested. If you aren't, you could go on birth control, and just let him hit it raw. Nothing says ‘youz my manz’ quite like that.
Just be aware the older a guy gets, the more refined he'll be. He isn't a 17-year-old jackrabbit anymore that can be ready at the drop of some pants.
xoxoS
I just started seeing a new guy. Everything is great. Lots of
chemistry and passion...except one thing:
The first time we had sex, he couldn't stay hard, then the second time
We tried it happened again. He's blamed it on a lot of things...being
drunk, being tired, the condom...not being comfortable...everything!
Now, I'm not a patient person, but I've been pretty understanding and
tried to make him feel good etc., but I just don't what to do.
Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, and I would just dump him, but
we both really like each other. A lot.
Will it get better? Advice please.
-Bonerless in Brooklyn
Dear Bonerless,
Oh I HATE this problem. The only thing comparable is when you finally get down to it and it's over in three point five seconds. ARG (insert fist shaking at sky here).
But anyways, one thing to keep in mind is that when a guy actually likes you he basically sees you as someone he has to wow, in every sense. So if this guy likes you, sleeping with you will mean more to him than just getting his. He wants to impress you. He wants to make the earth move for you. He wants to blow you away you with his man moves.
Uh..right..no pressure..
So, when a problem such as this arises (or doesn't, as it were) it just means that he's clearly doesn’t think he can deliver yet. A guy's mind and body tend to have a primal link. I.e.: when things are less than copacetic in the confidence department, it can manifest itself in this odd defense mechanism, preventing him from give a poor performance by keeping him performing at all.
This reminds me of the first time I slept with one of my exes. It was, to put it nicely, painfully awkward and, well, pretty much devoid of actual sex. I was terrified that I'd found the best guy on the planet, with one GLARING deficiency. I mean, how could we be compatible on all levels, and this be so out of sync!?!?! I truly expected that the consummation of our luuuuuuv would cause the planets to align and world peace would be upon us. How very wrong I was.
But, take heart; this story has a happy ending. Although I wasn't acting consciously (it was more that I was just afraid to go there again), I backed off from "the sex". We continued to hang out and, of course, make out excessively. A couple weeks passed and we got there again. This time it just seemed natural and it was much, MUCH better. From there on out, it only got better.
And she lived happily ever after...
Think of it like this: If the roles were reversed, it would be absolutely required that he be understanding and patient. Show him the same courtesy. It won't always be like this. It's just too soon. Let him let you know when he's ready. Actually, I think it'll be pretty obvious.
I think this is most likely the bulk of the issue, but of course there could be some real physical factors, such as being drunk or condoms. So of course, the next time you go at it, be sober. It'll be more enjoyable and memorable.
And although I don't advocate unsafe sex, if you're planning on having a monogamous relationship, you both could get tested. If you aren't, you could go on birth control, and just let him hit it raw. Nothing says ‘youz my manz’ quite like that.
Just be aware the older a guy gets, the more refined he'll be. He isn't a 17-year-old jackrabbit anymore that can be ready at the drop of some pants.
xoxoS
posted by hi at 11:18 AM
2 Comments:
wait, so are you recommending to hit it raw whether or not it is monogamous and to just take BC? like, ew.
Let me say, I do not portend to take my or anyone else's sexual health lightly.
With that being said, "hitting it raw" is only recommended for adult couples that are serious about being together and are only sexually active with one another. They should also be quite aware of and preparred for all the responsibilities and outcomes, favorable or not, of this choice.
As for BC, I personally don't take it. I have and it made me bonkers. However, it gives a lot of women piece of mind knowing that they're very in control of whether or not they become pregnant.
Although, there are a lot of alternatives, such as sponges, spermicidal rings that can be inserted, "pulling out", etc.
Whatever you decide to do, be aware of the repercussions and make these decisions together.
Again, before the condoms are thrown out, get tested and make sure that you both have a clean bill of health. Condoms are the easiest way to protect yourself from STDs, so if you opt to not use them, you have to act responsibly, honestly and safely.
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