I was fixing myself breakfast and contemplating my life this morning...as one does.

As I was slicing my apple up I started going over the idea of patience and acceptance and satisfaction. I've sort of come to a point in my life that I'm affectionately referring to as the 'eye of the storm'. Trite and completely unoriginal, I know, but bear with me.

There's been a lot of trauma lately (recent and not so recent, physical as well as mental). It's left me soaked to the bone and wholly out of breath. But also it's left me invigorated and above all prepared and better for the wear.

Of course I whined and cried why me all through every single experience. I Kicked and screamed and cursed this life I was blessed with. But now I feel like I've been (amazingly) given a moment to breathe. A scene from Tomb Raider (I) keeps coming to mind (as usual): some nondescript evil guy punches Angelina Jolie in the face. She shakes it off and just looks back at him and smiles. What a sassy bitch! And then she beats him back to Babylon. With a motorcycle.

Ok, It's an eerie sense of accomplishment, but an accomplishment nonetheless. I'll take it where I can get it these days.
So, whether I get back up and say that wasn't so bad, or get handed a plate of bullshit by some piece and decide to take the high road and "yeah I can see where you're coming from" or any other number of things that would usually have me spitting in someone's face...hey, that's something that I'm putting on the score board. I can keep the calm. I can make it through. Alive. In one piece. One big accepting piece. The eye of the storm isn't as scary as it sounds. Of course there's a whole other side of the storm to get through, but it can be alright if you can keep it from raging inside as well as out.

All this of course comes on the heels of last night...when I got punched in the face, so to speak. And although I can't say I smiled...actually I did the opposite. I cried like the big fucking baby. Nor can I say that I beat the puncher back to anywhere. However this morning I did beat back all of the confusion and disbelief and every inclination that wanted to bargain or argue. And man it felt good to have those exhausting chores off my back.

Pain will always hurt. But it seems to heal faster when you accept that it's part of life and some things are outside of the control of your tiny, mouse hands.

Did you ever wonder just HOW famous I am???

Wonder no longer my babies.

http://us.imdb.com/name/nm2796688/

MAN WHAT A WEIRD DAY.

I have such mixed feelings about the universe right now. I don't know if I've ever thought it was on my team or not, but today I think the universe was on its own team.

So I got out of the house 10 minutes late, already my therapist's voice is pounding in my ears...something about tardiness being passive aggressive toward whatever it is you ought to be on time for. However 10 minutes late would still not make me actually late to the appointment and on top of that, there was no way I wanted to be late today! I had so much to talk about we didn't get to last time! I was so excited!

How CAAAAAAAARES is what the universe said. Apparently the F and A train stood for fuggedahboutit this morning cause no way were they running even close to correctly. I think that I had to go to L.I. at one point. Who knows.

Eight forty-five is the time of my appointment aaaaaall the way on 168th street. At 8:45 instead of being snugged down in one of my doctors giant leather chairs, spewing the contents of my heart, I was instead underground, inside of an A train somewhere between 50th and 59th street. Even though I was snugged, albeit between two very large men, I felt my dependency on starting promptly at 8:45 break over me in a cold sweat and I think the only thing that kept me from turning to large man #1 and pouring out my soul was the fact that I had an apple with me. I swallowed it whole.

Miraculously even after arriving 20 minutes late and then cursing the MTA for robbing me of half my appointment for 5 minutes, I still was able to get out everything I wanted to, get some wonderful feedback, AND at the very last minute have a rather interesting revelation. This holy trinity is pretty unheard of, even in a full session. Thank you universe.

Back on the train (of course it's functioning swift as a wild steed now) I'm reading some of the 'news in brief' in my AM New York and I read "Actor Brad Renfro, 25 found dead in home last night". I LITERALLY gasped aloud and dropped the paper.

I had no idea I was so fond of him. Although he was one of two Tiger Beat posters I had up in my room when I was 10 (the other was Eddie Furlong), I hadn't really thought of him since then. Aside from all that, it's sad. Isn't it always these types that this happens to? I just hope Michael Pitt isn't next.

The universe giveth and the universe taketh away.

And then the universe also creates jokes just for me.

Under the Renfro news was this gem: 'German man mistakes jug of gas for bottle of booze. Drinks, spits it out onto a lit cigarette, and accidentally lights house on fire.'

Guess what I did aloud here?

I mean...there isn't anything to say to this. I was speechless.

Other events of the day: Kramer has officially proclaimed we're in a recession (awesome), I ate an incredible sandwich for lunch (thank you Lodge), Kate Moss turned 34, and the FDA has OK'd meat from cloned animals for human consumption (where's Upton Sinclair when you need him?).

I'm not saying it was a particularly bad day, it just was senseless. I'm choosing to take it as a sign of the end of days.

xox

Dear Stephanie,

I have recently become aware of my actual feelings for a good friend of mine. She is incredible, everything I am looking for. We are in the same position as far as life, and share many common ambitions and fears. She seems so right. (Not to drone on about her, though I feel it necessary to provide context for my dilemma.)

My problem is simple, what do I do? I know the question is vague and a common one. I have helped many of my friends through such an issue, yet now that it is my dilemma, I am completely stuck. I value her friendship, hence I fear the loss of her, even rejection. The trouble is, it seems there is more to us, including from her end of things. Intimate moments between us make me so confused and disillusioned. Only “what ifs” pass through my mind. I merely want to say these things to her, but I don’t know how or what is appropriate. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me. Every word she says merely inspires me to come out and say what I feel yet my inhibitions consistently hold me back. I know what she is looking for in a man, which should make it easy. Right? I have even given her advice on past boyfriends. I need advice. I know that yes I should go for it if this is how I feel, but this situation seems/is more complex.

Sincerely,

If Only...


Dearest If Only,

I wish I could say that I haven't been here, but ohhhhh I can't. While this is no doubt an awkward situation for most people, I can tell you that from what I've experiences most likely the fear of ruining things is in your head.

I went through something quite similar years ago, when I was a wee girl of 21 (how cute!). I too was really afraid of saying anything for fear that I was imaging the connection or more importantly that all our years of friendship would be out the window and his opinion of me immediately replaced with an image of a lecherous creep. Unfortunately (or fortunately as it were) since I can't keep thoughts to myself long enough to even form them into complete sentences, this came flying out of my mouth pretty much the next time I was alone with him. As it turned out I was wrong in my negative thoughts, right in my suspicions of an awesome love connection and we ended up dating for quite a long time.

Even without my experience I would, in pretty much any situation, encourage someone to speak what's on their mind. I especially encourage it here. It seems to me that you are very close friends and respect and trust each other a great deal. It's definitely clear how much you care for her. You can say...oh maybe she'll feel uncomfortable or even betrayed...or if she's not outwardly so it may end up making things awkward anyways...or what if we do date and it doesn't work and I lose a friend?

All of these things are totally understandable doubts. Regardless, some things just need to come out cause the 'what ifs' you mentioned will get to be even more distracting. The hardest part is getting over the fear of how what you say will be taken and just being able to be true to yourself. In every relationship there are always times where awkward convos come up and you run the risk of rubbing someone the wrong way. But if you can say what it is that you need to get out in a sincere, clear, and respectful way that will cut through the discomfort and hopefully it can evolve into a good discussion.

Or you could just kiss them and blurt out how super fun they are and that I really just want to be around you so much and do you like me?!

That, in my experience, works just as well.

But really, if you guys are close, just let her know your feelings, that you definitely want to know what her thoughts are, and whatever those thoughts may be maintaining the friendship is most important. Just setting it up as a discussion and not as dropping this on her will put you guys both a little more at ease and you two ought to be able to talk openly about it. If she happens to not feel the same way that'll be difficult to swallow, but swallow you must.

..ahem.

What I mean of course is you will have to respect whatever her feelings are just as much as you respected your own.

I wish you the absolute best! Don't over-think it! Please keep me updated and I really hope it goes well!!!