Dear Stephanie,
I have recently become aware of my actual feelings for a good friend of mine. She is incredible, everything I am looking for. We are in the same position as far as life, and share many common ambitions and fears. She seems so right. (Not to drone on about her, though I feel it necessary to provide context for my dilemma.)
My problem is simple, what do I do? I know the question is vague and a common one. I have helped many of my friends through such an issue, yet now that it is my dilemma, I am completely stuck. I value her friendship, hence I fear the loss of her, even rejection. The trouble is, it seems there is more to us, including from her end of things. Intimate moments between us make me so confused and disillusioned. Only “what ifs” pass through my mind. I merely want to say these things to her, but I don’t know how or what is appropriate. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me. Every word she says merely inspires me to come out and say what I feel yet my inhibitions consistently hold me back. I know what she is looking for in a man, which should make it easy. Right? I have even given her advice on past boyfriends. I need advice. I know that yes I should go for it if this is how I feel, but this situation seems/is more complex.
Sincerely,
If Only...
Dearest If Only,
I wish I could say that I haven't been here, but ohhhhh I can't. While this is no doubt an awkward situation for most people, I can tell you that from what I've experiences most likely the fear of ruining things is in your head.
I went through something quite similar years ago, when I was a wee girl of 21 (how cute!). I too was really afraid of saying anything for fear that I was imaging the connection or more importantly that all our years of friendship would be out the window and his opinion of me immediately replaced with an image of a lecherous creep. Unfortunately (or fortunately as it were) since I can't keep thoughts to myself long enough to even form them into complete sentences, this came flying out of my mouth pretty much the next time I was alone with him. As it turned out I was wrong in my negative thoughts, right in my suspicions of an awesome love connection and we ended up dating for quite a long time.
Even without my experience I would, in pretty much any situation, encourage someone to speak what's on their mind. I especially encourage it here. It seems to me that you are very close friends and respect and trust each other a great deal. It's definitely clear how much you care for her. You can say...oh maybe she'll feel uncomfortable or even betrayed...or if she's not outwardly so it may end up making things awkward anyways...or what if we do date and it doesn't work and I lose a friend?
All of these things are totally understandable doubts. Regardless, some things just need to come out cause the 'what ifs' you mentioned will get to be even more distracting. The hardest part is getting over the fear of how what you say will be taken and just being able to be true to yourself. In every relationship there are always times where awkward convos come up and you run the risk of rubbing someone the wrong way. But if you can say what it is that you need to get out in a sincere, clear, and respectful way that will cut through the discomfort and hopefully it can evolve into a good discussion.
Or you could just kiss them and blurt out how super fun they are and that I really just want to be around you so much and do you like me?!
That, in my experience, works just as well.
But really, if you guys are close, just let her know your feelings, that you definitely want to know what her thoughts are, and whatever those thoughts may be maintaining the friendship is most important. Just setting it up as a discussion and not as dropping this on her will put you guys both a little more at ease and you two ought to be able to talk openly about it. If she happens to not feel the same way that'll be difficult to swallow, but swallow you must.
..ahem.
What I mean of course is you will have to respect whatever her feelings are just as much as you respected your own.
I wish you the absolute best! Don't over-think it! Please keep me updated and I really hope it goes well!!!
I have recently become aware of my actual feelings for a good friend of mine. She is incredible, everything I am looking for. We are in the same position as far as life, and share many common ambitions and fears. She seems so right. (Not to drone on about her, though I feel it necessary to provide context for my dilemma.)
My problem is simple, what do I do? I know the question is vague and a common one. I have helped many of my friends through such an issue, yet now that it is my dilemma, I am completely stuck. I value her friendship, hence I fear the loss of her, even rejection. The trouble is, it seems there is more to us, including from her end of things. Intimate moments between us make me so confused and disillusioned. Only “what ifs” pass through my mind. I merely want to say these things to her, but I don’t know how or what is appropriate. I don’t understand why it is so hard for me. Every word she says merely inspires me to come out and say what I feel yet my inhibitions consistently hold me back. I know what she is looking for in a man, which should make it easy. Right? I have even given her advice on past boyfriends. I need advice. I know that yes I should go for it if this is how I feel, but this situation seems/is more complex.
Sincerely,
If Only...
Dearest If Only,
I wish I could say that I haven't been here, but ohhhhh I can't. While this is no doubt an awkward situation for most people, I can tell you that from what I've experiences most likely the fear of ruining things is in your head.
I went through something quite similar years ago, when I was a wee girl of 21 (how cute!). I too was really afraid of saying anything for fear that I was imaging the connection or more importantly that all our years of friendship would be out the window and his opinion of me immediately replaced with an image of a lecherous creep. Unfortunately (or fortunately as it were) since I can't keep thoughts to myself long enough to even form them into complete sentences, this came flying out of my mouth pretty much the next time I was alone with him. As it turned out I was wrong in my negative thoughts, right in my suspicions of an awesome love connection and we ended up dating for quite a long time.
Even without my experience I would, in pretty much any situation, encourage someone to speak what's on their mind. I especially encourage it here. It seems to me that you are very close friends and respect and trust each other a great deal. It's definitely clear how much you care for her. You can say...oh maybe she'll feel uncomfortable or even betrayed...or if she's not outwardly so it may end up making things awkward anyways...or what if we do date and it doesn't work and I lose a friend?
All of these things are totally understandable doubts. Regardless, some things just need to come out cause the 'what ifs' you mentioned will get to be even more distracting. The hardest part is getting over the fear of how what you say will be taken and just being able to be true to yourself. In every relationship there are always times where awkward convos come up and you run the risk of rubbing someone the wrong way. But if you can say what it is that you need to get out in a sincere, clear, and respectful way that will cut through the discomfort and hopefully it can evolve into a good discussion.
Or you could just kiss them and blurt out how super fun they are and that I really just want to be around you so much and do you like me?!
That, in my experience, works just as well.
But really, if you guys are close, just let her know your feelings, that you definitely want to know what her thoughts are, and whatever those thoughts may be maintaining the friendship is most important. Just setting it up as a discussion and not as dropping this on her will put you guys both a little more at ease and you two ought to be able to talk openly about it. If she happens to not feel the same way that'll be difficult to swallow, but swallow you must.
..ahem.
What I mean of course is you will have to respect whatever her feelings are just as much as you respected your own.
I wish you the absolute best! Don't over-think it! Please keep me updated and I really hope it goes well!!!
posted by hi at 2:45 PM
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