Dear Stephanie,

So there was this guy at work, really nice, really interesting guy.
It all started innocently enough.
We become friends, ichatting, talking at lunch,
I mean just overall into in the same things.

I know he has a girlfriend, I mean we're just friends right?
Bringing in the age old When-Harry-Met-Sally debate
Can men and women be friends?

But then we hang outside of work.
And then I find myself chatting with him at 2am.
Then I find myself showing up at galleries or places
where I know he will be. It progresses.

Then because it's a freelance gig, the job ends.
I'm not there anymore. We keep talking.

But there's something there..
When we hang out, his girlfriend texts and calls,
he doesn't answer. We hang out super late.
But nothing physical happens.
(I feel like this is worse than if something did happen,
because it's like starting a whole other relationship)

Then the floodgates open.
He says we can't hang out anymore.
By saying that, he admits everything.
I'm ok with it.

He freaks out and gets really upset.
She finds an email I sent him.
She freaks out,
We have a few heart to hearts and ultimately
he decides to stay with her.

Which is fine by me.
So now, I'm trying to let this go, forget about him,
but he emails me, or he sends me stuff in the post.

It's confusing. I can't get him out of my mind.
I think it's because I can't have him.
And I mean, I don't want to be that girl.
But... what if...

Sincerely,
The Other Woman.


Dear Other Woman,

So interesting. I was just talking about this last night. Specifically, can men and women just be friends? To be honest I was explaining that I was recently, after years of advocating men and women friendships, finding myself more and more wary of the idea. Of course the reason anyone speaks to anyone is because some sort of interest is piqued, but with a man and a woman the idea of sexuality or romance always, at some point, no matter how slight, comes into play and that there is what can make the friendship suspect and ultimately confusing. Not that it's impossible, but it's definitely becoming a more and more rare occurrence.

Your problem though isn't so much keeping things friendly. Obviously you're onto a different, much more bitter issue. What to do when you can't be with the person you want?

A lot of the haunting feelings you’re experiencing are completely understandable. The relationship hasn't had a chance to be a reality so there's so much "what if..." swirling around. Naturally you're going to imagine that the relationship would play out in the most positive, perfect way possible which will, if you let it, continue to torture you indefinitely.

However to quote the illuminating brilliance of Sandra Bullock in Speed "Relationships based on intense experiences never last." I'm not saying I believe this to be a hard and fast rule, but there's something to be said about the attraction of the thrill of your situation. No doubt that's a large part of it.

But that's neither here nor there at this point.

The question really is how do you chalk it up? How to shrug your shoulders and walk away? For as deep as you and he have gotten yourselves involved, I can say that it will be very hard. Just because you haven't slept together doesn't mean that this isn't something that's very much like a breakup. You did have a relationship with this person.

Aside from keeping him as absent from your day to day as possible, try recognizing this man for what he is. That's not to say that he's a bad person. Not at all. Neither are you. But he cultivated this very intimate bond with you yet has turned around and completely let you down. He knew very much what he was doing in terms of how his actions would make you feel and yet he persisted knowing what the outcome would ultimately be.

No doubt before you even entered the picture he was questioning whether he wanted to stay with his current girlfriend. Although it's normal to feel a degree of guilt in the situation, affairs don't appear out of thin air. More times than not, a person is consciously unhappy in their relationship and for some reason or another they don't have the guts to end it or try to face the problem, so they turn outwards and look for somewhere to place the blame. Essentially he's putting all of his confusion about his current relationship, which has nothing to do with you, onto you and leading you to believe that all this has come about because he met you. As if everything were fine before. It's simply not the case. You have very little, if anything to do with the doubtful feelings he's having towards his girlfriend.

I don't want to place all the blame on him and man-bash...but there is much more responsibility on him. He's the one with the relationship to honor and what's more...you can only choose to act based on the information you get from him.

Something more you should take into account: now he's decided to stay with her, but yet he still writes and all of that. Of course it's very flattering, but the heart of the matter is that it's disrespectful to not only her, but her as well. Even more so than flirting with you and creating the relationship in the first place. He now very clearly knows how you feel, has said it can't happen, yet isn't letting you move on from it. Very selfish.

It's incredibly difficult to let go of someone when you feel that connection, but as right as it may feel, it's just not. Don't dismiss the things that bothered you (the 2am chats, the ignored phone calls from his girl, etc.) You knew that it just wasn't kosher. He was handling things in a very convoluted way. Of course very little is black and white in this world, but a good deal of this could’ve been avoided if he had addressed his relation.

Basically he's very confused and in no such state to be beginning a relationship with anyone. I know it's easier said than done but you should try to focus on whether when the dusts settles would this be someone that would truly be able to be a good stand-up guy for you. I think not so much. At the end of the day he doesn't seem at all interested in anyone’s happiness but his own.