whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

or something like that.



I think I've lived in NY for close to 7 years now. A lot has changed. Come and gone. Friends, hangouts, school, jobs, apartments, pets. One thing that has been consistent though has been my sister. She and I moved here at the same time and, being the older sibling, has cared for me like a little lost baby duck when need be. She cooks for me, has premium cable, and let's me sleep at her house when I don't want to sleep at mine.

But all things, as they say, come to an end. She's moving in a month. At the core, I couldn't be happier for her. She's one of the few people I know that deserves nothing but happiness. And now she's found it....in TEXAS.

So where does that leave me? What about me? What's to become of ME? Who's going to make me Thanksgiving dinner??? I swear some people just don't think.

I was trying to think about this logically, like, "Stephanie, you've had people move away before. It'll be alright." But no. I haven't. I've always been the one to move. And then that just lead into a whole discourse with myself of whether I was a gypsy...but I'll leave that for a later date.

Anyways.

Other than wondering who's going to make mac n' cheese and watch The Santa Clause with me (and all the other things I would never admit to indulging in for fear of ruining my uber-cool rep), I've been thinking, who's going to be the person I hang out with when I don't want to be alone but I can't be muster an ounce of social prowess? Who's going to sit on the couch with me and not talk? Who'll be the person when I'm completely lost that's bigger, smarter, wiser, and wittier that'll show me the way (most times without saying a thing).

Of course, most of this could be accomplished by picking up the phone, but a girl only has so many minutes. What's more, one becomes a little too aware of the lack of chat when there's something on your face that you're required to talk into. Sitting on the couch in silence doesn't incur nearly as much awareness of one's pitiful lack of verve as sitting on the phone in silence does.

Bu the bottom line is this: I DONT WANT A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY SISTER. I'm throwing a mental temper tantrum here. You must understand, we weren't raised together and we've never lived together. We were always close, but the past 7 years have been like a dream to me. When I was a kid I would visit my dad and my sister during the summer. I absolutely idolized her. I would have 2 months of getting to just be around her and basically learn what life was like 6 years in the future. She was the end-all-be-all of what was what in the world. And now our time here has basically been an extension of that. Being around her, having her available to me pretty much whenever I want has been like having my own personal yogi down the block. If ever I'm feeling down on myself, I just think...ok where was sis at this stage? Or, what's sis doing with her life? Depending on the answer I either chill the hell out or kick my ass into gear. She's a dipstick kind of.

By the way. I don't, nor have I ever referred to my sister as "sis". I choose to do so here solely for anonymity.

So, when she first told me I wasn't as affected as this. I reasoned that I knew this was coming. It only made sense. They were in love, he lives in Houston, she's able to work from home, he's not...a + b + c + d= I'm kidnapping your sister. And, oh. She loves Texas. (who doesn't?!?!)

So yeah I was a little sad, but for the most part I was just happy she was happy. But now the date is practically upon us and I don’t know how happy I am. I feel as if my life is going to turn into one of those AT&T commercials where the sisters call each other up once a month and laugh and talk for like 4 hours about their husbands and babies and then hang up and go on about their day. Cue the weepy music. That's not me and my sister. The beauty of our relationship is that we don't talk. And when we do it's always some nonsensical joke that comes out of nowhere that makes us laugh hysterically for about 20-25 minutes...and then we go back to watching The Santa Clause.

But mostly, having her close I've been able to learn by seeing. As subtle (and creepy) as it may be, I've used my sister as a model for how I handle pretty much any situation. I just watch her. Like a hawk. How is that going to work when she's across the country? I just don't know if it will. I'm losing my spirit guide.

I'm currently reading A Fine Balance by Rohinton Mistry. Seriously, an excellent book. There's been so much to it that's touched my heart and I've found so relevant, so I wasn't surprised that while in the midst of my fit about my sister I read something that really helped to give me a little perspective.

"In fact, that is the central theme of my story: loss. But isn't it the same with all life stories? Loss is essential. Loss is part and parcel of that necessary calamity called life. Mind you, I'm not complaining. Thanks to some inexplicable universal guiding force, it is always the worthless things we lose- slough off, like a molting snake. Losing and losing again, is the very basis of the life process. Until we are left with the bare essence of human existence."

Now, I don't think my sister is worthless, but it did make me think that maybe I don't need my spirit guide as close as I thought I did. At least not anymore. After all, where's my sister's older sister? Nowhere.

It all goes together with all the things I've been thinking lately. I'm trying to worry less and less about this idea of "What will become of me???" I'm not mentally handicapped or lazy or completely intolerable. I do however have a knack for not giving myself enough credit and I think that ought to stop. I got myself to where I am now which is a pretty alright place, and maybe ok NO, I haven't had to deal with a sister moving away, but there have been other bumps.
And I housed those bitches.