Hi weareverywell,

I recently received the following email from a good friend's boyfriend:

Subject line: love
Body of email: I love you.

This boy has a history of drunkenly pulling me aside at parties to
Tell me that I’m beautiful, etc, etc. I’ve managed to keep this under
wraps and have told no one about any of these incidents. Even if it's
just an affectionate gesture, it still makes me feel awkward because
I don't know him that well. That being said, he is a really great guy
and doesn't set off any warning bells aside from this little quality.

My friend and this guy are in a serious relationship ... met the
parents, talk of moving in together, marriage, etc. after this last
email, I’m officially freaked out. Do I ignore it like I usually do?
or acknowledge it in a joking manner? There’s something different
about seeing it in writing. I want to be able to hang out with them,
my boyfriend and I enjoy double dating with them. Please advise?

Sincerely,
walking on eggshells


Dear Walking,

I understand not wanting to blow something out of proportion and risk a friendship and getting all messy, etc. I understand he's a "great guy and doesn't set off any warning bells aside from this little quality."

You truly are walking on eggshells.

NOT.

Ahem...ARE YOU KIDDING!?

Here's what I would look like after opening such an email:




Even after such a glowing review from you, I still am more focused on your statements “my good friend’s boyfriend” and “I don’t know him that well.”

He very well may be a great, fun guy to hang out with, but he is so out of line here it's incredible. This isn’t a “little quality”. This is a huge red flag. You can see this red flag from outer space. I just received a noise complaint from China about this alarm bell.

Now, if this girl was just having some fun with this guy and was in no way serious, then fine. Let him be the biggest sleaze on the block. No skin off anyone’s back.
But the steps that he and she are talking about taking are major, life-changing, gigantic, serious steps. Everything needs to be on the table and they both need to know what they’re getting into, as well as with whom.

You need to make it clear to him that it was a mistake that you've let things slide in the past, but this is too much and you've drawn the line. The girlfriend has to know. He should ABSOLUTELY be the one to tell her. After all, he made this bed. However, if he refuses, then you'll have to. Either way she has to know. No question.

If a blind person were about to walk barefoot across hot coals, you'd stop them. Right? Right.

People say and do things all the time when they're drunk that they don't mean. However, this isn't the case here. It's a recurring issue and by the sound of things, it's just getting more intense.

As for bringing it up as a joke, I would avoid the lighthearted route. It isn't a joke and it is far from funny.

It's all very unpleasant and embarrassing and you will most likely lose a friend. The fact that you haven't called him out sooner will probably cost you the girl's friendship as well. But, as they get more serious and invested, think of how much more unpleasant and embarrassing it will be when it eventually does surface.

And surface it will. Trust me, it will be ten thousand times more hideous if something isn’t done now.

I'm sorry if you really love to grab drinks with these two crazy kids, but this is a shade more important than that.

Honestly, the best case is that being faced with losing a woman that matters very much to him will make this guy come correct and rededicate to the relationship. If she chooses to forgive him they could get through this. People do. Working through something so difficult can strengthen the relationship once the trust is regained.

The worst case: they break up and you need to find a new couple to do brunch with.