Dear Stephanie -
I have a big dilemma. I don't know what to do! I have a girlfriend, let's call her Mary, who moved in with her boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, just short of 6 months ago. They've been over for dinner and seem happy with one another. The other day I received a phone call from a girlfriend who met the couple at a party last weekend.
This girlfriend sang the praises of Mary but brought up her experience with Joseph. Mary had gone out with some other friends, leaving Joseph to drive my girlfriend home. According to her, Joseph asked her if she wanted to engage in a late night filled with cocaine and sex (with each other). My girlfriend was appalled, asking him about Mary. He said that he was breaking up with her soon, that he wouldn't be cheating because of this fact.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've heard about Joseph's discrepancies with drugs and other women. However, this time I've experienced a first hand account.
I feel terrible for Mary and know that if I were in her position I would want to have this (very hurtful) information, yet I do not feel comfortable being the bearer of such bad news. My question is: What do I do!? Is it my responsibility to tell her what I've learned? And how do I go about doing this?
On a side note: I feel as if Joseph wants to get caught, serving as an easy way out of his relationship. How could he not know that this information would be shared. I mean, come on, we're ladies!
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Don't kill the messenger
Dear Messenger,
Oof. I can definitely see not wanting to be the one to step into such a mess. If I were on either end of such tidings I would come close to vomiting.
However, all the puking aside, I sincerely think that you need to tell her and tell her soon. This will inevitably come to the surface. Mary will find out and if on top of this she finds out that you knew yet still let her go on with him, you may end up kissing the friendship goodbye. Hell hath no fury like a woman embarrassed, betrayed, disrespected, etc etc.
I know it seems as if there's a fine line between being a concerned friend and feeling like you're being bossy or overbearing or nosey, but it's better to err on the side of pushing the envelope rather than having to look back and regret not doing something for someone you care about. I like to think of my friends as many pairs of extra eyes and ears (and fists in some cases). This may come as a shock, but I'm not (as of yet) omnipresent or omniscient so it's always reassuring to know I got people. Yes, there are a lot of times when they may say some things that I don't want to hear but need to and there are also times where they step in and say things that they really shouldn't, but no matter the circumstances I try to always realize that it all comes from the same place of genuine concern.
My second reason for acting would be that Joseph isn't just being a disrespectful bastard, but SO EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. For whatever reason Joseph somehow doesn't strike me as someone that would be a paramount of safety and caution. Who knows what other women he's propositioned and followed through with. A lot of committed couples feel they only need to safeguard against pregnancy. If this is the case here, your friend is definitely at risk of contracting something.
You may feel like you aren't close enough to Mary to butt in. Well...yeah, that's a tough call. One you'll have to make. But every friendships have this sort of moment. Where they move from partying and drinks and hanging out, to partying and drinks and hanging out and hugs and shoulders to cry on. Yes, not all moments are this intense, but you gotta start somewhere.
It's fully understandable to feel like you want to crawl out of your skin in this situation, but sometimes that's what you have to do for a friend.
I regularly ask mine to perform physically impossible acts in order to prove their worth. It's like highway toll.
"HEY YOU! YOU'VE BEEN COASTING FOR LIKE 150 MILES! GIMME 75ยข!"
I have a big dilemma. I don't know what to do! I have a girlfriend, let's call her Mary, who moved in with her boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, just short of 6 months ago. They've been over for dinner and seem happy with one another. The other day I received a phone call from a girlfriend who met the couple at a party last weekend.
This girlfriend sang the praises of Mary but brought up her experience with Joseph. Mary had gone out with some other friends, leaving Joseph to drive my girlfriend home. According to her, Joseph asked her if she wanted to engage in a late night filled with cocaine and sex (with each other). My girlfriend was appalled, asking him about Mary. He said that he was breaking up with her soon, that he wouldn't be cheating because of this fact.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've heard about Joseph's discrepancies with drugs and other women. However, this time I've experienced a first hand account.
I feel terrible for Mary and know that if I were in her position I would want to have this (very hurtful) information, yet I do not feel comfortable being the bearer of such bad news. My question is: What do I do!? Is it my responsibility to tell her what I've learned? And how do I go about doing this?
On a side note: I feel as if Joseph wants to get caught, serving as an easy way out of his relationship. How could he not know that this information would be shared. I mean, come on, we're ladies!
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Don't kill the messenger
Dear Messenger,
Oof. I can definitely see not wanting to be the one to step into such a mess. If I were on either end of such tidings I would come close to vomiting.
However, all the puking aside, I sincerely think that you need to tell her and tell her soon. This will inevitably come to the surface. Mary will find out and if on top of this she finds out that you knew yet still let her go on with him, you may end up kissing the friendship goodbye. Hell hath no fury like a woman embarrassed, betrayed, disrespected, etc etc.
I know it seems as if there's a fine line between being a concerned friend and feeling like you're being bossy or overbearing or nosey, but it's better to err on the side of pushing the envelope rather than having to look back and regret not doing something for someone you care about. I like to think of my friends as many pairs of extra eyes and ears (and fists in some cases). This may come as a shock, but I'm not (as of yet) omnipresent or omniscient so it's always reassuring to know I got people. Yes, there are a lot of times when they may say some things that I don't want to hear but need to and there are also times where they step in and say things that they really shouldn't, but no matter the circumstances I try to always realize that it all comes from the same place of genuine concern.
My second reason for acting would be that Joseph isn't just being a disrespectful bastard, but SO EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. For whatever reason Joseph somehow doesn't strike me as someone that would be a paramount of safety and caution. Who knows what other women he's propositioned and followed through with. A lot of committed couples feel they only need to safeguard against pregnancy. If this is the case here, your friend is definitely at risk of contracting something.
You may feel like you aren't close enough to Mary to butt in. Well...yeah, that's a tough call. One you'll have to make. But every friendships have this sort of moment. Where they move from partying and drinks and hanging out, to partying and drinks and hanging out and hugs and shoulders to cry on. Yes, not all moments are this intense, but you gotta start somewhere.
It's fully understandable to feel like you want to crawl out of your skin in this situation, but sometimes that's what you have to do for a friend.
I regularly ask mine to perform physically impossible acts in order to prove their worth. It's like highway toll.
"HEY YOU! YOU'VE BEEN COASTING FOR LIKE 150 MILES! GIMME 75ยข!"
posted by hi at 1:24 PM
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