Dear Stephanie -
I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's really great and we get on very well together. Only thing that's lacking is affection and attention. I need more expression of emotion. It's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me he cares for me or to even get a "you're pretty" out of him. It's killing me and slowly killing the relationship. I've talked to him about it and he tells me he's shut down emotionally due to many past experiences both in his non-romantic and romantic life with people who have taken advantage of him, hurt him, etc. He tells me that it's ironic - I'm the one person he should be affectionate and giving with emotionally but he just can't do it. My response to him is that he will not allow himself or perhaps I'm not the right person for him.
I give him a ton of affection and love. I just want someone who will reciprocate. That doesn't mean someone to grovel at my feet but a partner who can be emotionally mature and grow with me.
He does many nice things for me but I would love to have some traditional, good old romance once in a while.
Is our relationship doomed? Am I being too needy?
Best,
Needy Girl


Dear Needy Girl,
You want romance and affection from your boyfriend of over a year? Wow. You need to chill out. I mean he's with you and has been with you for a while...isn't that enough? Why should he have to tell you you're pretty? Obviously he thinks you are.

Jeez...

Although I'm sure you've caught on that I'm kidding, this unfortunately may be something of what he's thinking. Guys really have different wiring. For the most part they aren't aware of the value of an unsolicited compliment, a hug out of nowhere, a surprise date. It's not that they're more secure or less needy, it's just that they express those feelings in different ways. You may feel the longing for sweet words and a romantic night together, whereas he may want you to share with him projects that may be really exciting you, or cancel a date with your friends to come see him. These things make him feel like he's integral to your life, just the same as a really thoughtful deed or word makes you feel like you're really connected to him.

But even if the guy/girl thing weren't an issue I don't think you showing him love and affection is really going to bring the same out in him. That may just not be how he shows his love. He has admitted to you that he does have issues with trust, but also take into consideration that he may have never been an overly emotive person. I have a couple friends, who although yes, at times I wish they were as huggy and affectionate as myself, when I look at the bigger picture I wouldn't trade them for the world due to other extremely valuable qualities such as their loyalty, sound advice, or a severe shoe collection.

Basically, what I'm saying is be sure before you go looking for something, that it's there to be found. This man just may not be wired for outpourings of emotion.

However, I will say, some of it sounds quite intolerable. No compliments at all? It definitely sounds as if the roots of the problem are deep seeded trust issues, not simply that he doesn't know what your definition of romance is.
Seeing as these problems most likely have nothing to do with you, again, I don't think you being overly affectionate to him (and essentially pouring more and more than your share of the work into the relationship) is going to help. It's not as if you did something to lose his trust and are trying to gain it back, so I say stop playing into that roll.

Yes, of course you feel like all you want to do is make him feel safe trusting you. You love him. You want to ease any stress. But he needs to do most of the work here.

There are a number of things that he could do; it just depends on his level of commitment. He could go to see someone. Therapy is A GOD SENT. I swear. Therapists are like angels on this earth, handing out the sweet, sweet gift of sanity. GOD BLESS YOU.

Seriously, I cannot praise it enough.

Actually that's all I got. There are many times in a person's life where they just have to evolve or get left behind. He can either make a conscious decision to shed the old habits and fight, fight, fight to understand why they became so innate, and then begin to understand how to change them. Or he can choose to not. It's not simple by any means, nor is it a quick process, or even a foolproof one, but there is the fact that can make a promise to himself to be more self-aware.

The best that you can do is to support him. As I said, he most likely would never be a fountain of rose petals and bubble baths, but if he really makes the commitment for himself and for you, things ought to improve. When they do, express to him, in a way you feel he'll really understand, how much it means to you.

I think that the most difficult thing I deal with is trying to value how others show emotion and express how they care. It wasn't ever something I was aware of, but I started getting extremely bothered by the fact that I always felt so disappointed, especially with the men I dated. I realized a lot of it came from me measuring them with my own meter stick and was missing a lot of the considerate, lovely things they did simply because I chose to not see the value and thought they had in their actions.

I'm not saying settle or let something go when you genuinely feel as if something is eroding your feelings. Have a serious, come-to-jesus talk with your man. Let him know what this is really doing to the relationship. It's important that you make sure you're clear how this is affecting you and the compromise you both need to come to. It'e perfectly fine to make tangible, real goals for you and him.

I just want to make sure that when he sends out the love that you're open to his way of showing it. Essentially, don't be looking for a boat if he's sending a jet plane...