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Dear Stephanie -
I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He's really great and we get on very well together. Only thing that's lacking is affection and attention. I need more expression of emotion. It's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me he cares for me or to even get a "you're pretty" out of him. It's killing me and slowly killing the relationship. I've talked to him about it and he tells me he's shut down emotionally due to many past experiences both in his non-romantic and romantic life with people who have taken advantage of him, hurt him, etc. He tells me that it's ironic - I'm the one person he should be affectionate and giving with emotionally but he just can't do it. My response to him is that he will not allow himself or perhaps I'm not the right person for him.
I give him a ton of affection and love. I just want someone who will reciprocate. That doesn't mean someone to grovel at my feet but a partner who can be emotionally mature and grow with me.
He does many nice things for me but I would love to have some traditional, good old romance once in a while.
Is our relationship doomed? Am I being too needy?
Best,
Needy Girl


Dear Needy Girl,
You want romance and affection from your boyfriend of over a year? Wow. You need to chill out. I mean he's with you and has been with you for a while...isn't that enough? Why should he have to tell you you're pretty? Obviously he thinks you are.

Jeez...

Although I'm sure you've caught on that I'm kidding, this unfortunately may be something of what he's thinking. Guys really have different wiring. For the most part they aren't aware of the value of an unsolicited compliment, a hug out of nowhere, a surprise date. It's not that they're more secure or less needy, it's just that they express those feelings in different ways. You may feel the longing for sweet words and a romantic night together, whereas he may want you to share with him projects that may be really exciting you, or cancel a date with your friends to come see him. These things make him feel like he's integral to your life, just the same as a really thoughtful deed or word makes you feel like you're really connected to him.

But even if the guy/girl thing weren't an issue I don't think you showing him love and affection is really going to bring the same out in him. That may just not be how he shows his love. He has admitted to you that he does have issues with trust, but also take into consideration that he may have never been an overly emotive person. I have a couple friends, who although yes, at times I wish they were as huggy and affectionate as myself, when I look at the bigger picture I wouldn't trade them for the world due to other extremely valuable qualities such as their loyalty, sound advice, or a severe shoe collection.

Basically, what I'm saying is be sure before you go looking for something, that it's there to be found. This man just may not be wired for outpourings of emotion.

However, I will say, some of it sounds quite intolerable. No compliments at all? It definitely sounds as if the roots of the problem are deep seeded trust issues, not simply that he doesn't know what your definition of romance is.
Seeing as these problems most likely have nothing to do with you, again, I don't think you being overly affectionate to him (and essentially pouring more and more than your share of the work into the relationship) is going to help. It's not as if you did something to lose his trust and are trying to gain it back, so I say stop playing into that roll.

Yes, of course you feel like all you want to do is make him feel safe trusting you. You love him. You want to ease any stress. But he needs to do most of the work here.

There are a number of things that he could do; it just depends on his level of commitment. He could go to see someone. Therapy is A GOD SENT. I swear. Therapists are like angels on this earth, handing out the sweet, sweet gift of sanity. GOD BLESS YOU.

Seriously, I cannot praise it enough.

Actually that's all I got. There are many times in a person's life where they just have to evolve or get left behind. He can either make a conscious decision to shed the old habits and fight, fight, fight to understand why they became so innate, and then begin to understand how to change them. Or he can choose to not. It's not simple by any means, nor is it a quick process, or even a foolproof one, but there is the fact that can make a promise to himself to be more self-aware.

The best that you can do is to support him. As I said, he most likely would never be a fountain of rose petals and bubble baths, but if he really makes the commitment for himself and for you, things ought to improve. When they do, express to him, in a way you feel he'll really understand, how much it means to you.

I think that the most difficult thing I deal with is trying to value how others show emotion and express how they care. It wasn't ever something I was aware of, but I started getting extremely bothered by the fact that I always felt so disappointed, especially with the men I dated. I realized a lot of it came from me measuring them with my own meter stick and was missing a lot of the considerate, lovely things they did simply because I chose to not see the value and thought they had in their actions.

I'm not saying settle or let something go when you genuinely feel as if something is eroding your feelings. Have a serious, come-to-jesus talk with your man. Let him know what this is really doing to the relationship. It's important that you make sure you're clear how this is affecting you and the compromise you both need to come to. It'e perfectly fine to make tangible, real goals for you and him.

I just want to make sure that when he sends out the love that you're open to his way of showing it. Essentially, don't be looking for a boat if he's sending a jet plane...

Dear Stephanie -
I have a couple of friends whom I discussed some business endeavors with a few years ago. They were very supportive and wanted to be a part of the endeavor. However, the idea lay dormant for over a year until I put it together (read: legwork) and got it going. Approximately 7-8 months in, these friends came knocking and wanted to get involved. I gladly obliged but things aren't going smoothly. It's more of a hassle and power struggle. The business isn't contingent upon they're efforts.
In an ideal world I would love to work with them but have slowly come to the realization that I would like to maintain their friendship over doing business with them.
How should I approach them about this without causing a huge rift? What should I do? Can I break up with them professionally and maintain their friendships (which I really enjoy and value)?
Thank you in advance for the advice.
- ME


Dear ME,

1 business start-up
1 driven person that makes it happen
Simmer for 7-8 months

Just before serving garnish with an unnecessary handful of friends to confuse the flavor.


Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the recipe for a pipe bomb. Have you been arrested on the subway when thinking about this situation? Do people "say something" when they see you?

But seriously, unless I'm missing something here, it sounds as if you've done a lot of the hard work by your lonesome and these people have decided to step in at the 11th hour, change things around a bit so they don't feel like complete schmucks for taking credit for what you've done, and walking away patting themselves on their smug backs.

Not so much into that.

When I first started this blog almost a year ago, I was going to start it with 2 friends. Due to crazy schedules I ended up the only one that was able to commit to it. Although I value them both to the enth degree, if they were to come to me now wanting to jump on Le Bandwagon, I'd have to say no. Yes, it'd be nice to have 3 people sharing the load, but not at this stage. In the grand scheme I'm happy that I don't have to really worry about acting for a group. I can say what I want, when I want, how I want, etc. What’s further, I’d no doubt have to explain the way things are done ‘round here step by step, and inevitably have my logic questioned at some point. Cue the bloodshed.

It makes perfect sense that's it's been primarily a power struggle. There's a big difference between talking about riding a bike and actually getting on it, rolling up your pant legs so you don’t get gear grease on you, finding your balance while making sure you're not going to get hit by something, checking everything around making sure you won't run into a someone, and then, as an afterthought, enjoying the wind in your hair.

What I'm saying is that the nature of things change very much once you get into them. You know the business intimately and are familiar with the most efficient, best way to handle things day to day. Having these folks walk in only serves to distract you.

Now...the best way to get them out of your hair without ruining the friendship? Tricky. I think being honest (to an extent) is the best bet. I would say tell them that the business has become very much your brainchild. There are things that have changed from when you all started out talking about it in the very beginning and you believe that since coming back together, there've been some things that they've had problems with that you can't compromise on.

It will require you to put most blame on yourself, but not to the extent that you look like a tyrant. If you just simply state that after having your hands in the dirt for 8 months, through trial-and-error, there are things that you've learned that work and those that don't, and to have them question you on that isn’t working. A power struggle isn't something you're looking for. At this stage you're looking for support and to grow. You have moved away from the drawing board essentially, and now that they've come back into the picture, you feel as if you have to keep going back there and defending why you’ve done certain things.

The best way to keep them from taking it personally is to have as formal a meeting as you can. That way it'll be apparent that this decision lives in the business world solely.

If you feel like they would be assets to the company to some degree, feel free to talk further about that, restating that you're very confident in the business plan and the operation of things, but you definitely need their help in other areas, such as marketing or design or getting coffee or answering the phones.

Whatever it is that makes them special.

But if you do continue to work with them in some capacity, be sure to outline beforehand really very clearly what it is you expect from the relationship from the start.

These ones sound like they need to be ruled with an iron fist.

Dear Stephanie -
I have a big dilemma. I don't know what to do! I have a girlfriend, let's call her Mary, who moved in with her boyfriend, let's call him Joseph, just short of 6 months ago. They've been over for dinner and seem happy with one another. The other day I received a phone call from a girlfriend who met the couple at a party last weekend.
This girlfriend sang the praises of Mary but brought up her experience with Joseph. Mary had gone out with some other friends, leaving Joseph to drive my girlfriend home. According to her, Joseph asked her if she wanted to engage in a late night filled with cocaine and sex (with each other). My girlfriend was appalled, asking him about Mary. He said that he was breaking up with her soon, that he wouldn't be cheating because of this fact.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've heard about Joseph's discrepancies with drugs and other women. However, this time I've experienced a first hand account.
I feel terrible for Mary and know that if I were in her position I would want to have this (very hurtful) information, yet I do not feel comfortable being the bearer of such bad news. My question is: What do I do!? Is it my responsibility to tell her what I've learned? And how do I go about doing this?
On a side note: I feel as if Joseph wants to get caught, serving as an easy way out of his relationship. How could he not know that this information would be shared. I mean, come on, we're ladies!
Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
Don't kill the messenger


Dear Messenger,

Oof. I can definitely see not wanting to be the one to step into such a mess. If I were on either end of such tidings I would come close to vomiting.

However, all the puking aside, I sincerely think that you need to tell her and tell her soon. This will inevitably come to the surface. Mary will find out and if on top of this she finds out that you knew yet still let her go on with him, you may end up kissing the friendship goodbye. Hell hath no fury like a woman embarrassed, betrayed, disrespected, etc etc.

I know it seems as if there's a fine line between being a concerned friend and feeling like you're being bossy or overbearing or nosey, but it's better to err on the side of pushing the envelope rather than having to look back and regret not doing something for someone you care about. I like to think of my friends as many pairs of extra eyes and ears (and fists in some cases). This may come as a shock, but I'm not (as of yet) omnipresent or omniscient so it's always reassuring to know I got people. Yes, there are a lot of times when they may say some things that I don't want to hear but need to and there are also times where they step in and say things that they really shouldn't, but no matter the circumstances I try to always realize that it all comes from the same place of genuine concern.

My second reason for acting would be that Joseph isn't just being a disrespectful bastard, but SO EXTREMELY DANGEROUS. For whatever reason Joseph somehow doesn't strike me as someone that would be a paramount of safety and caution. Who knows what other women he's propositioned and followed through with. A lot of committed couples feel they only need to safeguard against pregnancy. If this is the case here, your friend is definitely at risk of contracting something.

You may feel like you aren't close enough to Mary to butt in. Well...yeah, that's a tough call. One you'll have to make. But every friendships have this sort of moment. Where they move from partying and drinks and hanging out, to partying and drinks and hanging out and hugs and shoulders to cry on. Yes, not all moments are this intense, but you gotta start somewhere.

It's fully understandable to feel like you want to crawl out of your skin in this situation, but sometimes that's what you have to do for a friend.
I regularly ask mine to perform physically impossible acts in order to prove their worth. It's like highway toll.

"HEY YOU! YOU'VE BEEN COASTING FOR LIKE 150 MILES! GIMME 75¢!"