I just loved the Oscars last night. I'm not a huge fan of award shows. They seem so boring and most of the time the stars that are being honored act like big brats and I just want to smack someone. If someone gave me an award I'd probably faint and cry and kiss everyone in the room. It's just such an honor to be recognized for something you're passionate about so it really gets under my skin to see someone ungrateful or underappreciative. There should be a gratitude-o-meter on the stage. So say when people like Zach Braff get up there and start acting all snotty the award gets yanked right out of their hand and the floor opens up under them and swallows them whole. Three cheers for that idea.

Anyways, it was a night of love for me. I just loved all of it. Everyone there seemed just pleased as punch. Ellen Degeneres was excellent..although I would've been more happy if she had worn a dress. There's just something about a tomboy lesbian in a dress that I adore. Otherwise she was perfect.

Even the political asides were so devoid of the alll-too-common self-righteous air. Everyone there was so united. It truly felt like a great community getting together to love and honor each other.

Ok enough with the love.

Worst dressed:

Abigail Breslin

I'm sorry. I know she's 12 or whatever, but she ISN'T SEVEN. Why on earth did she wear something that looks employees fromLisa Frank, Laura Ashley, and The Children's Place just took turns vommiting on her? Maybe it's my serious aversion to seeing any young girl between the ages of 5 and 18 dress up (they just look so awkward!), but she looked ridiculous up there in the front row. I could've smacked her. I really could've.

Rachel Weiss



Was she in a wedding earlier? From the looks of the crazy lipstick and the out of control hairdo, it seems as if she lost track of time making out with a groomsman in a closet and had to rush over on her motorcycle. You've looked better..

Beyonce Knowels



Now, don't get me wrong. Beyonce is what I like to call 'Beyond'ce. You could tar and feather the girl, cut off all her hair, and put her in a potato sack and she would still be hotter than you. You just don't really see people that are this amazingly attractive very often. That being said, why does she insist on perpetuating the Barbie™ doll thing. I mean, come on. You're already on the verge of looking absolutely ridiculous just from being so ideal, so why would you wear clothes that seriously make you look like I just unwrapped you on Christmas morning?! Oscar Barbie™!!!

Kirsten Dunst



Kirsten, Kirsten, Kirsten. WHY!? I am all for thinking outside the box..but next time could you please remember to take your sense and a full length mirror along with you when you step outside the box? And on that note, what box were you trying to think outside of? The "looking good" box? It's not just the dress...or the hair...but more the fact that I feel a little burned by this bad decision. I love the Olsens, I love Chloe, I love Maggie...so I take it as an insult of my judgement when one of them goes so far into the edgy/quirky that it loops around to bad. There's a fine line and if you can't walk it, don't even try.

Kelly Preston



Wht can I say? You buy your dress off the sale rack at Victoria Secret the day of the show, this is what you're going to end up with.

Jennifer Hudson ON THE RED CARPET



I understand she's trying to hide her big arms, but why would you do it was tin foil? Why try to hide something not terrible with something that is? You're just drawing more attention to your big arms AND you're poor fashion sense. Wait. This just noticed. There are pockets! POCKETS!? What would she keep in there?! Snacks? Her speech? Her Oscar? I am not a fan of the formal pocket.

Jennifer Lopez



"Hi I'm Jennifer Lopez. Remember when I dated Puff Diddy and I wore a black spandex crop top and skirt ensemble circa MTV's The Grind and a ponytail to the Grammy's?"

YES I DO. And no amount of whatever this soccer mom meets pregnant blinged out greek goddess nonsense look is going to make me forget it.


Best Dressed:

Kate Winslet



I could just breathe her she looks so fresh! Or chew her like a piece of gum! Who's going to say she wouldn't freshen my breath??

Penelope Cruz



Would you just look at that! Look at her go! You dont get any better. She looks like she escaped from a perfume commercial and I think it's perfect. When I go to the Oscars I know I'm going to dress up to the MAX. All out ballgown time. When else do you get to do that? It's nice to see that Penelope and I are on the same page.


Meryll Streep



Now, I know a lot of people would not agree with me, but I have to give Meryll some serious claps for this. Maybe its the fact that she looks exactly like my kindergarten teacher and I just want to curl up in her lap and make popscicle art. But also, for an older actress I feel like it's perfectly acceptable to wear something that might do just as well at a PTA meeting because hell, she probably did just come from a PTA meeting. Also, I imagine that she and Jessica Lange sit around with members ot the "distinguished academy" drinking whiskey and slamming the poor hollywood starlets that go balls out year after year and don't just chill. I think that's a run-on...oh well. It was for Meryll.


Nicole Kidman



Dear Beyonce,
This is how one would go about getting the Barbie™ doll look right.
Sincerely,
Stephanie

p.s. Did you know my dad is in love with Nicole Kidman. Um, yea dad. That's like being in love with puppies. OBV.

Anne Hathaway



Everyone is hating on poor Anne for this dress and I just don't get it. I love it. I just love it so much. She looks stunning and I think everyone is just jealous. One website went so far as to call this Valentino dress a "bedspread". I would pay to see Garavani Valentino backhand the piss out of whoever wrote that.


Gwenyth Paltrow



I can't say that this picture does any justice, but when she walked out on stage I was so impressed. It fits like a glove and what a body there is to fit. Two babies have done wonders for this skinny lady's figure.

Cate Blanchett



Nevermind that she looks like a robot assasin from the future tha would laser beam my head off if I said anything even remotely negative about the way she looks...she looks like a robot assasin from the future tha would laser beam my head off if I said anything even remotely negative about the way she looks!!

and as for the best thing of the entire night




COULD YOU JUST CHEW ON HER FLAWLESS FACE!?


I could for at least 10-15 minutes.

I'm just wondering for how long I will be doomed to chase after the wrong guys.

The nothingness just recently took the place of my seemingly normal, beautiful, sweet, warm, tenderhearted man. Invasion of the body snatchers anyone?

But seriously. How many times is someone expected to put up with this situation? You start seeing someone and everything seems all good. I mean, it really seems all good...come-live-at-my-house all good. Not only are there phone calls when you expect a phone call, there're unexpected phone calls AND text messages for the express purpose of romance; there're deep, honest, meaningful conversations; there're jokes that have you rolling on the floor, crying and unable to breathe; there're cuddle sessions that make your heart want to burst; and there're kisses that would melt iron. I have no idea what that means, but it sounds about right. And then one day, completely out of the blue, they flip the switch. Exit Dr. Jekyll, enter Mr. Hyde if you will. Actually, in this case, exit Dr. Jekyll...AND NEVER HEAR FROM OR OF HIM AGAIN.

Who does that???

Ok. Ten points to the person who can guess exactly how that feels.



Good!

So, I guess I'm Wile E. Coyote in this scenerio. However, I feel anything but wily.

Although I think I have hit on the ideal analogy. Oh how I love an analogy...

I just spent a few minutes reminiscing about watching Looney Tunes as a kid. This cartoon was definitely one of my favorites. Here was this little guy making a completely fool out of himself...just endlessly chasing after the seemingly dumbest animal in the whole world. And not only was his prey worthless (it was A BIRD. What did he exactly expect to feast on if caught?), all of his efforts kept blowing up in his face...not to mention injuring him severely. One trick after another would fail miserably, but he'd never get the hint. But, who can blame the fellow for aiming so poorly. They were after all, in the desert. What else was there? I loved it even more when he talked. He was so wry and genteel. I thought it was hilarious and perfect. You'd expect him to be a maniac, but no. He was perfectly logical. No wonder he never quit. There was no reason that he should fail.

Sound familiar? Unsettling so.

Let's face it. The dating field is a little uneven. I do feel as if I'm in a desert. I do feel as if I run myself ragged after anything that could be considered sustenance. I do feel as if all my efforts no matter how well thought out, come crashing back onto me. I do feel like I look like a crazy person in the process. And to drive it home, I do feel like I just shouldn't be failing. I'm a perfectly logical, level-headed person. I just can't accept that I could be bested by anyone.

My point is though I don't want to be Wile E. Coyote. He was a complete joke.

I recently read a short essay about real animals that live in the desert. They couldn't be more opposite. They conserve their energy and ultimately survive by moving as little as possible. The author was comparing these animals with our future generations and the qualities they would have to possess in order to survive in the ever-increasing emotionally devoid landscape of America. Here here!

I don't want to sound bitter at all. But I am realizing that I am letting myself be taken in by illusions. Sure, my time wasn't completely wasted..it was fun and made me feel on top of the world. But the low of this is so much more profound than any high from a "You're the best." text message.

As unromantic as it sounds, there's something to be said for saving your time and energy and effort..as well as saving your heart from unsolicited confusion. What's wrong with a little conservation? I'll move of course when the time is right. But no more moving for the sake of doing so.

The Master Cleanse's was pronounced dead at 11:25 pm on January 25th, 2007. It was later reported that it kicked the bucket due to injuries suffered after a severe attack by a couple of tacos from San Loco.

Mexicans are nothing but a menace...

The time that passes between posts seems to be growing and growing and this time I have no excuse. Sure, I could blame it on what seems to have been the death of misfortune, but why pass the buck? And instead of mourning the loss of the lost, I would like to celebrate. Isn't that amazing?! I mean, boy did I pick the wrong hobby to take up, but what's one broken dream compared to all the world's happiness? You have to break a few eggs...etc etc.

Side note: Speaking of eggs, I was in the grocery store yesterday and they had quail eggs. Nevermind that a few months back I was completely let down by the very same supermarket in my search for Lil' Smokies™. Something is wrong with this.

Anyways
I'm just happy I could be there to tie up the last few ends, helping along those last stragglers. What timing.

However, I must say I feel a little left out. I guess I was too busy worrying about other people to read the memo that the age of vexation was coming to a close and I should wrap it up.

****

I suppose that kind of cuts to my point (or problem...jeez they're EVERYWHERE.). It's hard to work on your own problems when you help others, obviously. But I've realized something that furthers that idea: Not only is it hard to think about your issues, it's actually easy to think you're totally alright and devoid of strife when you're an advice giver…because obviously I have it all figured out. How dangerous.

Recently a friend asked me, or rather told me that they were intrigued as to why I would choose to have such a column. Whether they were alluding to the fact that they think I'm a hack, I cannot say. Although, it did get me thinking: why deal in other people's demons when you have so many to handle yourself? Could I quite possibly be any more in denial? Nope.

Of course this isn’t the first time this thought has crossed my mind, but since the answer I arrive at is rather unsavory I usually push away this particular introspection in lieu of more favorable ones...like how excellent my shoes are.

Funny I would choose to say it like that.

Sometimes there's an angry charging bulltigerhurricanelandlsidetsunamiavalanche coming straight at you. And then say you look down at your shoes in order to admire them one last time before your eminent demise, and you notice they’re untied. Isn't it easier (and wiser) to stoop down and tie it before dealing with the aforementioned combatant? And my how you tie that shoe. Never has a lace been twined with such care. Actually, maybe you should just go ahead and relace the whole thing; just to make sure everything's even. Now that you're looking at it you realize that you need a whole new pair of shoes! How did you not notice this before?! Well, this is a whole other issue entirely and of course it requires immediate attention. That raging crazy animal natural disaster thing will just have to wait.

And so it goes.

I suppose my challenge will be to balance these things.

They say one of the first rules of psychology is to not destroy the fourth wall. Meaning not to ever use the "I", never share problems. This apparently keeps the focus and the brainpower, both your and their, on your subject's issues. I have been attempting to adhere to this as much I can. But seeing as though I'm not going to be a psychologist anytime soon and I have shit to work out...and it's my corner of the internet, I'm going to flip the switch and pretty much do the mental equivalent of a table dance. Everybody look at ME.

So you'll be hearing a lot more of my own issues. And who knows. Maybe it'll bring those shy little rabbits that have been so sweet to compliment me on my blogging, but have been too timid to ask those questions they've only just hinted at, for fear of being so exposed. (gasp)

You are not alone. I too am just barely keeping my head above the waters...only to spy the next crashing wave.



****Thank you Dave Chappelle for one of many jokes that NEVER gets old