Dearest Rational Thinking Machine,
I am having a slight issue with communication. With everyone. This applies on many levels. Mainly:
A) my boss is quite the hater. I am not sure how to address questions she asks at me such as "what are you THINKING?!?!" and "Helllloooooo. do you hear me?!?!"
ummmm....
is there a decent response and or reaction to this type of inquiry?
I feel disrespected to put it mildly.
B) I haven't figured out how to respond to a friend who continually pushes my buttons, whom I cannot escape from. Believe me, shes IN MY LIFE. She works to annoy me. I think she stays up at night plotting retarded things to start a problem.
C) How do I tell men (boys?) that I am either interested in them or NOT interested in them? They never seem to get the net on this particular point.
They are just not reading me right. And I consider myself a really honest girl.
So it's an all around thing....am I saying things too bluntly? Does brutal honesty even work? Is everyone else just off? Is it me? What? Seriously.
Sincerely,
Incommunicado
Dearest Incommunicado,
So let's break this down, shall we?
A) Of course there's a decent response to this inquiry. It would be something along the lines of "Would you like to tell me what you'd like me to be thinking or are you just going to continue to go on about how stupid I am?" or "Of course I hear you, but I've started to block you out since you don't have anything remotely constructive to say." That would be if you wanted to get fired.
Back to the real world. If this is happening a lot then it's one of two things: either she's a terrible manager, or you could care less about your job. If it's the former, tell her that you're having a hard time understanding what it is she wants from you. I would send her a quick email asking for a second to chat or just peek your head in her office and see if she's busy. As for what to say, just make it clear that you understand that there are times when she's not pleased about how you've handled something, but it's counter-productive to attack you for them and throw out general statements like "What were you thinking?!?!?!" Obviously you weren't thinking in the way that she assumed you would. Next time, her and your time would be better spent going over exactly what was issue and how to kep it from happening again.
However, if it's the latter, scrap all of this and find a new job.
B) How to respond? You don't. This person is a goat-getter. For crying outloud, HIDE YOUR GOATS. I bet she loves you because you're so easily riled. This person is a peace stealer. You know this. Why would you let them steal your peace? It's like being friends with a pick pocket and not stipulating that your friendship can only be maintained via phone/fax. You see them for what the are, and you're choosing (yes, I said you're choosing) to have them in your life, then you must learn to expect as little as possible from this person. Look at it as a game. I have a friend like this. I call them my hate friend. In order to make it fun for myself, I like to see how many minutes it takes for something hateful to come out of their mouth. It's almost always under five.
Let me expand upon why I insist it's your choice. You say she's "in your life". All that says to me is that something about the situation makes it too unpleasent to extract yourself, so you're just settling for the lesser of two evils. Let's be honest. Even if it's walking over a bed of hot coals with rusty nails in them, you always have an out. People always claim that there's just nothing they can do, but nothing could be further from the truth. You could get out of it, but you're choosing not to. Key words: you're choosing. Own it. You aren't a victim of life. You can continue to think of yourself as the victim of this wholely unfortunate lot in life, ruing the day that your paths crossed..woe is you and all that nonsense Or you can realize that you decide what gets into your soul and what doesn't.
In the preeminent film The Neverending Story, there is a scene where the protagonist's trusty steed Artex sinks into the Swamps of Sadness and ultimately dies because he's unable to keep his own peace. Eventhough he is fully aware that the sole purpose of the place is to drag people down into its own misery, he chooses to let it get to him and is therefore drowned in the desolate melancholy. Although you can hardly blame him, we are presented with another character that proves that however difficult it may be, it isn't impossible to be the veil and not the feather, as it were. Atreyu is able to see the sadness for what it is: it's own and not his. As you may remember, he does not die and goes on to be smoking hot throughout the rest of the film.
Oh, the wisdom contained in stories for babies.
Now, I know that correlation was tennuous at best, but I imagine that you can see where I'm going with this.
If you do insist on confronting this person about their tranqulity thievery, it's best to keep it short and sweet. Tell them their actions have a really negative affect on your relationship with them and it's starting to make you ill-disposed towards them. It would also be wise to have several specific examples. I've found that when dealing with crazy you must be well prepared.
C) Hm...I don't think it's hard to tell someone you're not interested. The problem usually arises from the other person's inacceptance of it. If someone is truly not getting the hint after repeated rebuffs, just let it go. If they aren't getting the hint and it's making you uncomfortable, you need to cut it off. COMPLETELY. No more explanations of why you ain't feeling it. No more friends. No more any of that. This persom doesn't have any respect for you, so you shouldn't have any for them.
As for letting people know you're interested, this isn't difficult either. If you're into someone, just send out the signals. Ask them on a date if you really want to cut to the chase. If they reject you then "he's just not that into you", as they say. However if they accept, then you're set. Unless you're an ice queen, your vibes should be sufficient from here on out. You shouldn't have to continue to reassure them of your interest.
Now if it's a case of someone you're already dating and they're playing the wishy-washy game, or they're insecure and constantly questioning your interest, 1) you done got yourself a baby boy on your hands, and 2) there's not much you can do. You can either spend your days reassuring him over and over again or constantly playing along with the power struggle (no thanks) or you can kick his butt to the curb and spend all that energy finding a man who will dip you in chocolate and spend the rest of his life licking it off. Say word.
I must say that for all your "honesty" it doesn't seem to be getting you much of anywhere. I think the problem lies in the fact that it's unclear to you what you're trying to be honest about. There's a difference between being honest and being clear. You can be honest till the sun falls out of the sky, pouring out every detail of your heart and mind, but that won't get you much of anywhere unless you know what your goal is. Honesty is definitely a good start, but take all that information and make it intelligable. It's a really good skill to work on and also one that a lot of people shirk. Communication is more than saying what you think. The goal is understanding and comprehension, not solely declaration.
I am having a slight issue with communication. With everyone. This applies on many levels. Mainly:
A) my boss is quite the hater. I am not sure how to address questions she asks at me such as "what are you THINKING?!?!" and "Helllloooooo. do you hear me?!?!"
ummmm....
is there a decent response and or reaction to this type of inquiry?
I feel disrespected to put it mildly.
B) I haven't figured out how to respond to a friend who continually pushes my buttons, whom I cannot escape from. Believe me, shes IN MY LIFE. She works to annoy me. I think she stays up at night plotting retarded things to start a problem.
C) How do I tell men (boys?) that I am either interested in them or NOT interested in them? They never seem to get the net on this particular point.
They are just not reading me right. And I consider myself a really honest girl.
So it's an all around thing....am I saying things too bluntly? Does brutal honesty even work? Is everyone else just off? Is it me? What? Seriously.
Sincerely,
Incommunicado
Dearest Incommunicado,
So let's break this down, shall we?
A) Of course there's a decent response to this inquiry. It would be something along the lines of "Would you like to tell me what you'd like me to be thinking or are you just going to continue to go on about how stupid I am?" or "Of course I hear you, but I've started to block you out since you don't have anything remotely constructive to say." That would be if you wanted to get fired.
Back to the real world. If this is happening a lot then it's one of two things: either she's a terrible manager, or you could care less about your job. If it's the former, tell her that you're having a hard time understanding what it is she wants from you. I would send her a quick email asking for a second to chat or just peek your head in her office and see if she's busy. As for what to say, just make it clear that you understand that there are times when she's not pleased about how you've handled something, but it's counter-productive to attack you for them and throw out general statements like "What were you thinking?!?!?!" Obviously you weren't thinking in the way that she assumed you would. Next time, her and your time would be better spent going over exactly what was issue and how to kep it from happening again.
However, if it's the latter, scrap all of this and find a new job.
B) How to respond? You don't. This person is a goat-getter. For crying outloud, HIDE YOUR GOATS. I bet she loves you because you're so easily riled. This person is a peace stealer. You know this. Why would you let them steal your peace? It's like being friends with a pick pocket and not stipulating that your friendship can only be maintained via phone/fax. You see them for what the are, and you're choosing (yes, I said you're choosing) to have them in your life, then you must learn to expect as little as possible from this person. Look at it as a game. I have a friend like this. I call them my hate friend. In order to make it fun for myself, I like to see how many minutes it takes for something hateful to come out of their mouth. It's almost always under five.
Let me expand upon why I insist it's your choice. You say she's "in your life". All that says to me is that something about the situation makes it too unpleasent to extract yourself, so you're just settling for the lesser of two evils. Let's be honest. Even if it's walking over a bed of hot coals with rusty nails in them, you always have an out. People always claim that there's just nothing they can do, but nothing could be further from the truth. You could get out of it, but you're choosing not to. Key words: you're choosing. Own it. You aren't a victim of life. You can continue to think of yourself as the victim of this wholely unfortunate lot in life, ruing the day that your paths crossed..woe is you and all that nonsense Or you can realize that you decide what gets into your soul and what doesn't.
In the preeminent film The Neverending Story, there is a scene where the protagonist's trusty steed Artex sinks into the Swamps of Sadness and ultimately dies because he's unable to keep his own peace. Eventhough he is fully aware that the sole purpose of the place is to drag people down into its own misery, he chooses to let it get to him and is therefore drowned in the desolate melancholy. Although you can hardly blame him, we are presented with another character that proves that however difficult it may be, it isn't impossible to be the veil and not the feather, as it were. Atreyu is able to see the sadness for what it is: it's own and not his. As you may remember, he does not die and goes on to be smoking hot throughout the rest of the film.
Oh, the wisdom contained in stories for babies.
Now, I know that correlation was tennuous at best, but I imagine that you can see where I'm going with this.
If you do insist on confronting this person about their tranqulity thievery, it's best to keep it short and sweet. Tell them their actions have a really negative affect on your relationship with them and it's starting to make you ill-disposed towards them. It would also be wise to have several specific examples. I've found that when dealing with crazy you must be well prepared.
C) Hm...I don't think it's hard to tell someone you're not interested. The problem usually arises from the other person's inacceptance of it. If someone is truly not getting the hint after repeated rebuffs, just let it go. If they aren't getting the hint and it's making you uncomfortable, you need to cut it off. COMPLETELY. No more explanations of why you ain't feeling it. No more friends. No more any of that. This persom doesn't have any respect for you, so you shouldn't have any for them.
As for letting people know you're interested, this isn't difficult either. If you're into someone, just send out the signals. Ask them on a date if you really want to cut to the chase. If they reject you then "he's just not that into you", as they say. However if they accept, then you're set. Unless you're an ice queen, your vibes should be sufficient from here on out. You shouldn't have to continue to reassure them of your interest.
Now if it's a case of someone you're already dating and they're playing the wishy-washy game, or they're insecure and constantly questioning your interest, 1) you done got yourself a baby boy on your hands, and 2) there's not much you can do. You can either spend your days reassuring him over and over again or constantly playing along with the power struggle (no thanks) or you can kick his butt to the curb and spend all that energy finding a man who will dip you in chocolate and spend the rest of his life licking it off. Say word.
I must say that for all your "honesty" it doesn't seem to be getting you much of anywhere. I think the problem lies in the fact that it's unclear to you what you're trying to be honest about. There's a difference between being honest and being clear. You can be honest till the sun falls out of the sky, pouring out every detail of your heart and mind, but that won't get you much of anywhere unless you know what your goal is. Honesty is definitely a good start, but take all that information and make it intelligable. It's a really good skill to work on and also one that a lot of people shirk. Communication is more than saying what you think. The goal is understanding and comprehension, not solely declaration.
posted by hi at 4:18 PM
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