Dear Stephanie

My cousin lives in the same city as me, and we are in a similar field. This obviously brings out my competitive nature. He can be very aggressive, and sort of tends to not give a shit. People love this type of youthful arrogance I guess, because he's been doing well in his chosen field. I on the other hand, have also been doing well, but I am aggressive in a different way. Anyways to get to the point; he, by some fluke of scheduling and also twist of fate, has scored a really great space to show some of his new work that he has been making. The only thing about this is that the opening falls on the same day as my birthday. I don't know how I feel about this, partially I feel happy for him, to see him succeeding, but the other side of me feels insanely jealous. The other part of this problem is that we share a lot of the same friends, and the girl he is dating, is one of my best friends. Which event will they go to? Will there be time for both? I try to not care about brithdays, but last year I had a sad little drinking session with a few friends and it made me miserable. The year before that, I had a big rager, it was exciting to say the least. Now I'm not expecting the same sort of thing, maybe something in between those two. Isn't your birthday the one day that people can shower you with attention and love? I am just worried he has already stolen the spotlight.

Signed,
The Banal Cousin


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Dear Banal Cousin,

Banal? Really??

Honestly. Don't be ridiculous.

Ok moving on.

While I definitely understand one's birthday being of the utmost of importance to them, in terms of days of the year, but I do think you're letting a lot of prior issues get you really down about this.

Some things to keep in mind while trying to gain some perspective: 1) I'm sure, if I know anything about the gallery system, that your cousin had no choice in the day of the opening. Everyone knows what that weird familial competition is like, but most of the times it's not something that's real. Unless you're a Boelyn girl. MY GOD! Well...praise be that you aren't.

2) I think that the success that both of you are getting has been due to your talents, rather than your personalities as you say. Yes I'm sure that your personalities have something to do with it and the aggressiveness definitely is something that's necessary, but talent is the top. Give yourself more credit. You're really making it more personal than it ought to be, and therefore of course you feel more hurt than you want to.

This leads me to my 3rd idea:

3) It was interesting that you made a point to mention that he was aggressive and had a certain personality that was in contrast to yours. I'm sure that it's not a huge revelation, but I think the whole problem is that you're nervous (and rightly so) that on this holy of holy you days, he's going to steal your thunder and, for lack of a better way to put it, be more popular than you.

I know that I would hate it if I had to deal with this on my birthday on top of planning the party. Inherently, party planning comes with this worry that no one will show up and even worse, you're convinced that everyone will be elsewhere making fun of you...ok maybe that's just me.

Anywho, it definitely isn't ideal that you should have to schedule around anything or anyone, but it may actually turn out to work in your favor. You say that you're friends with most of the same people. This opening will be jammed packed with friends of yours and his, and after the festivities of the more exciting cousin are over, people will most likely looking for a place to continue the fun. What's more fun than more celebrating??

Nothing.

The control freak in me does suggest sending out an email a few days before the opening letting people know your birthday after party will be at such and such place at such and such time. And definitely include your cousin on this list so that he doesn't go throwing his own after party and he's aware that he isn't the only one with something worth celebrating.

Snooping.













Recently a friend of mine got bit by the curiosity bug when the person she was dating left some private info right out in the open. Of course, she read it. Anyone who is shocked isn't a human. As it turned out, what she read made her cry, yell, and eventually confront him. Needless to say he was less than stoked about the fact that she had read this info. But they talked, or rather they had a yelling match and after a good healthy round of I dare you to keep a secret, the dust has settled and neither of them has been killed off.

I maintain that she technically didn't snoop, but it made me consider what my opinion of such an act is anyways.

I have to say that snooping is a good idea 99.9% of the time. I know, I know; it's someone else's private stuff, you find out things that will most likely upset you, it's dishonest, etc. But c'mon. It's all about staying informed.

Of course I admit that there have been a couple times where snooping has done damage. Real damage. We-shouldn't-know-each-other-anymore damage. But I just imagine that was how those were going to go anyways. It just sped up the process. One could call it a facilitator. Something turns on inside and says hmmm...so you see if it's founded or unfounded.

Also, in this day of Wikipedia, Google, and Ask Jeeves*, I've become really used to knowing everything at any given moment. Nothing is off limits. How much money did Paula Abdul make last year? Got it. How do I build a satellite phone out of gum? Check. 10 things not to say at a job interview? Well now I know.

I'm no longer used to not knowing something I feel I need to. I think the question is whether you choose to use the info.
I mean, people like to keep secrets and most of the time those secrets should be kept but other times they absolutely should not. Sure you can let the other person make that decision or you can get down in the mud pit and mold your own destiny.

I've had experiences where I've learned things both on accident and also quite purposefully and in most cases I choose to just swallow the info because while it may not have been pleasant, it wasn't harmful, or was written in the heat of anger, or was completely in the past, or really was not my business at all.

However there have been a few choice times where I thanked the heavens for being as meddlesome as I am. Times where I know had I not snooped I would've never ever been told the truth and doing the job myself saved me a world of pain and embarrassment, albeit at the expense of an awkward confrontation with information I'm not even supposed to know. But if that's the price, I'll pay it.

I want to admit wholeheartedly that saying I can respect someone's need to privacy only after I've learned what it is they're keeping secret and deemed it as a non-threat to me and mine is as hypocritical as the day is long. But that isn't my whole point.

Sure all of this is easy for me to say, never having been the victim of snooping, but that's just not even true. I used to be the lyingest liar around and a queen of secret things. A pass time of mine was collecting things to hide, both tangible and intangible. Eventually a few people around me got tired of it and snooped in everything I owned and pretty much discovered I had nothing to hide. This was really embarrassing; I was hiding things just to do so, hoarding my life away in a really unhealthy way. Nothing I was hiding was of any consequence or value and I was completely devaluing genuine privacy.

There's a real difference between being private and being secretive. I learned this then and have tried to rid myself of secrets ever since.

I think to me the fundamental difference is whether relationships would crumble if certain information surfaced. Sure there are a lot of things that I would prefer to not discuss with a lot of people but nothing (or at least I try to make it nothing) that would ruin a relationship.



But also...perhaps all this post does is go to show that privacy is quite intimidating to me. But that was no secret. I am, after all, a Gemini, the cosmic ship's communications officer.** There's nothing more exhilarating and refreshing to me than a good session of airing it out.



* Who the hell uses Ask Jeeves? Maybe I should ask Jeeves.

** Yes. I really did just used the term "cosmic ship".

I feel compelled to start this off with some honesty. I've been absent these past 3 weeks partially due to my scatter-brained schedule, partially due to with my inherent laziness, partially due to my obsession with Lost, but the award for the major cause of my lack of content goes to an awful and suffocating malaise that has settled onto my spirit.

I have to admit I feel a tad bit more than a little terrified to even admit that. I have always tried to convince people that I'm in control, am decisive, am super happy, well-adjusted, and have clear-minded vision. Top that with a cherry of hyper-active, rubber-limbed fury and that pretty much sums up what's outwardly happening over here. Confessing weakness is not my strong suit.

Admittedly most of my life I couldn't feel less like that inside, yet always I would keep up that face: the "I got it" face. The only thing different (the only thing new) its now more apparent than ever that I don't need that face. But in the most sneaky and undermining ways this sad defense is fighting fighting fighting to prove it's worth. None of this is happening out of no where; it certainly is not. My therapist and I have been essentially chipping away at every defense mechanism I have to get to this point. In my head I'm picturing the wizard duel between Saroman and Gandalf in LOTR. If that doesn't work for you...you're missing out on a vital piece of the puzzle.

We've now come to the point where we're quite literally ripping skeletons out of my memories; painful, harrowing, blurry-eyed, waterlogged skeletons whose resurfacing have been giving me nightmares for months now.

As hard as it is to exhume these things, it at least is a healthy way to confront my obsession with the "i got it" face. Not everything was always ok always and maybe (just maybe) I can start to see that those things are maybe (just maybe) ready to be dug up and laid to rest properly.

But there's this obnoxious, slob of a case that this defense is making for itself. For our purposes here let's call it Look Over There.

Some of Look Over There's favorite pass times include not showering for a couple days, leaving a sink full of dirty dishes, eating more than two fifteen year old boys, neglecting to water my plants until their near death, not reading anything over an article's length long for months at time, leaving my dog at home for unacceptable stretches, not doing taxes, NEVER WRITING A BLOG, and basically creating unnecessary messes that keep me from rising above.

Distracting. I can only guess (or hope) that there is a real threat of happiness or at the very least peace that will come on the other side of this painful process if it's causing me to act so so differently than any person I've ever known myself to be. Because when it comes down to it for me happiness and peace are so foreign and therefore unwelcome. I've spent years with this face. Who am I if I don't have to pretend everything is ok? Who am I if I'm not silently railing inside, agonizing over the injustice of my life? Who am without that theater?

For whatever reason this is all going on, it's completely unsettling. Every one of those activities (or inactivities) are so unlike me it truly is terrifying. I've never felt more aware of and hurt by my own actions to distract myself from the real issues.

I feel as if I am in the midst of a very real, very definitive fight for my life. It could quite clearly go one way or the other. So in an effort to seize the path I am deeply hoping for here I am. I know. Small steps. Who cares, right?

Well. I do. Maybe I alone know how scary it is for me to write this blog post. There's nothing that has been as important to me as keeping up that brave front and to take that crutch away...it really feels like one of the most courageous acts of my life and gives me a braver feeling than I've ever felt in all the time of faking it.

So, I guess I'm saying things are not ok. Ok.

Now give a girl some applause.