The Prodigal Blogger.

I'm so sorry. How much did you miss me? Sixteen tons? Eleven tons? Ok. Fine. Seven tons.

So, I have a friend that recently got out of a very long relationship. After getting her own place, re-aquatinting herself with friends she may of lost touch with, and just generally rearranging her life, she's back out in the dating scene. Her experiences have illuminated something for me: DATING IS WEIRD.

I admit that I've been quite uncomfortable in my dating skin as of late. I didn't really put much thought into it, but listening to her as well as many other friends, I've started to think that maybe I'm not the only one. Wonderful. Excellent. I'm so glad.

The problems that my recently single friend has been having hasn't been that she's not finding someone that interests her (we should all be so lucky) but more there has been a lot of intense interest and courting followed by complete 180s.

Having a look at my own concerns I tried to piece it together. I know that I have been looking at dating much as I would a cinnamon bun: It's pretty and I'm sure it tastes great, but I'm not really a sweets person and after you take two bites it's pretty nauseating, so...meh.

But could my disinterest be pervasive? In an attempt to pacify myself, I'm going to go ahead and say yes.

I did try to think of it from a lot of different angels. It could be this city. It could be my tax bracket. It could be that I hang around a lot of sissies. But in the end all of those things still had one thing in common: age.

The mid twenties is such a volatile, undefined time, at least from what I'm discovering. One day you may be completely committed to something that the next day seems totally irrelevant. There's a lot of push and pull. And it isn't just dating. However I think that's the first thing that suffers. These days I wake up and think, "Essentially, I'm the same person I was yesterday." I do this a lot. This may be more frightening for me than with others. When I was a kid I was a completely different person if I changed my shoes. There was actually a day when I was 9 or so that I absolutely refused to respond to the same name twice. I was a weird, yes, but I think that everyone can relate to the unhinged freedom you have as a kid.

I suppose that could be the heart of it: it's hard to start to feel your own fixedness without associating that with stagnation.

For example, I have a dog. With all the walking and the checkups and the baths, I curse her existence daily. But then she turns around and learns how to fetch! WHAT!?! And so I keep her. I'll tell you though, I feel trapped most of the time by her dependence. Do you see? And that's just a dog.

A lot of this reminds me of the very first time I realized I was a real person. I was about 17 years old, I had just gotten my car and I had gotten a raise at the restaurant I worked at (assistant manager...woot woot.) Anyways, I was sitting on the couch watching TV. and a commercial for this home appliance store came on. They were advertising a sale on refrigerators and I realized I could buy one. I, if I were so inclined, could buy a refrigerator. I imagined what else I could possibly do. Apartments, gym memberships, car payments. The possibilities were endless. I wanted to vomit.

But back to what I was saying. I guess what I'm getting at (in my very endearing roundabout way) is that we're learning the push and the pull. I know I am. What's important, what takes work, that your life becomes less about the day to day.

I'm also learning that we impact. I think that's the thing that has kept a relationship at bay with me. I have a great responsibility. I exist in the world. I impact. I effect. And what's more: People affect me...and deeply.
Right now it's easy to fall back on the anonymity of being a kid. You can be someone's BEST FRIEND!! for a week when you're a kid and then just disappear. No sweat. I had like a million. And I let a million go. Like little savages running after nothing in particular, they all disappeared. I did the same thing. It's so easy to let people go when you're a baby because the only one that matters really is you.

"Forever doesn't seem that long until you're grown"

But now I can't let people go so easily, so I'm reluctant to grab hold in the first place. Of course there are many times where you grab someone and let go as if they were on fire. NO! NOT RIGHT.

But when it is right, goddamn. All of the lessons that you've learned along the way start to grab you, shake you, and scream at you "YOU COULD QUITE POSSIBLY MAKE AN INFORMED, INTELLIGENT DECISION RIGHT NOW!"

It's like when you finally are allowed to drive alone. You've done all the tests, practiced for 900 hours, and then finally your mom throws you the keys and asks you to go buy milk. YES!

My heart and my brain have battled it out, I've played a lot of the games, I've tried on a lot of hearts and minds (that was totally code for I'm such a slut), and now the mind and the soul are ready to move in unison. And I admit, they make such a beautiful sound. It's lovely to listen to yourself come alive and wake up and trust that you know this heart. But it's such a powerful place. I don't know if I'm ready to hear the song let alone sing it to someone else.

I hope someone feels me on this...cause it would just be embarrassing if not.